one week at a time

i have been thinking a lot - but what else is new.  it has been snowing all day, and in theory, i should be able to say that it looks so pretty outside; in theory, i should be able to say that i'm happy to have spent all saturday and all sunday watching sex and the city, the oscars, 10 things i hate about you, whose line is it anyway, beading bracelets and laughing with the roomies; in theory i should also be able to say that i feel well rested after finishing my homework friday night and being able to sleep in saturday and sunday.  i should be enjoying so many things - my roommates make me laugh so hard and they have both done so much for me.  i just can't help but feel like i am ready to be home, i want to have my house and decorate it every day and clean it, and i want to be near everyone i love.  i miss my dad and i miss being able to swing by my brother's house; i miss the small, inconvenient mall in town that never has anything i want; i miss walking everywhere because we live so close to anything important; i miss the window in our living room and the sound of the cars on the main road behind our house. 

i used to want this career so much because it was about me and only me.  now, my life has become about more than just myself - is this wrong?  i cannot decide.  i used to be driven because i was only looking into my future as myself and what i wanted for me, and as time has gone on i have started considering my future with the people who will also be involved.  i am not the type to want to keep running - i used to be.  that is the epitome of what is going on here - i used to want to run, i never wanted to stay in one place.  now, i have someone that i love, someone i already have a future with.  i have a realization that certain family members are not always going to be around forever, but education is.  i have begun to accept that dreams change, and sometimes things are not what you thought they were going to be.

i don't know how healthy i'll be be for how long, i don't know where i'm really supposed to end up or what i'm supposed to be doing - but that's nothing new.   for now, let's make it through another week.  i am ready for home - it feels like it will never come, but i have this sneaking suspicion that it will.

i feel like everything should feel wonderful, because everything is.  but it doesn't.  i have been searching and searching and crying, trying to find my place again in the world.  i travel back in forth and find love and hugs and i feel better for a while, but anxieties of life always come back.  i live with funny people, and i work with smart people, and i live a travelled life that many only dream of.  but i am off, and longing for satisfaction in all these places.  i do not have a lot more words to share, the same that i do not have a lot of energy to think of words that i could share.  things are not as bad as i make them out to be.

isn't it amazing?

Goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Take apart your head,
take apart the counting,
and the flock it has bred.

good morning people in the world.

i havent written for a really long time - over a month even.  since i last wrote i've moved, again, but this time to calgary for work.  work has been good, i really like getting to know my clients and i feel like a professional every day.  the place im living at is okay, it has some great aspects and some shitty aspects... i was gonna look for a new place to live this weekend, but like everything else i say i'll do, it never happened.

i have been having a really rough time this semester... well, this whole school year it feels like.  i am failing school right now, but moving up slowly which is great.  i feel i am unable to keep up with the demands and expectations of life all of a sudden - i am exhusted when anyone expects anything of me, even the people i love.  i am hurting the people closests to me.  at least, i know i am hurting one.  maybe i am just thinking the world revolves around me again, and maybe i am not really hurting other people?  i must be hurting them - i always cancel on my friends, and i am constantly saying i'll do things that i know i wont do.  i dont know when i started doing that.  i told clint i do it because of two reasons: one, the things i say i'll do are the things i want to do, in theory, because i wish i was that person who does those things.  two: i dont think people will like me if i am the way i am.  i dont know why i think that, but i carry it around.

i am conmtinuing to take responsibility for being a shitty friend... i really am.  i have been calling my friends way more often to keep in touch and i saw some of them this weekend which was really nice.  next up is to start saying what i mean, and doing what i say im gonna do - it is harder for me than you might think.  i am bored yet too unmotiavted to change it.  i might be becomimg my mother.

petty and trivial

i am finally home, finally snuggled up to where i am supposed to be with who i am supposed to be with.  i know i am meant to go away again, to find the life i am probably meant to have; however i still find myself debating between what i really feel or want.  i am supposed to enjoy the small things in life, and relax and laugh and fly by the seat of my pants, but those things seem to become more distant as each day passes.  some days are better than others, and there are usually some parts of every day that are better than other parts, but i still look at other people and wonder how they do it - how do they enjoy walking, enjoy the snow, enjoy relaxing inside with a movie?  i dont remember how to enjoy those things in the same way that i used to, and i am confused and sad about it a lot of the time.  but, i am trying - we are trying together - and i hope that one day everything will click, everything will make sense.

" not all who wander are lost"