I am sitting here listening to music I don’t know, which I
love. A part of me loves not knowing and
the other part of me goes bat shit crazy.
I am so confused in the world, it is almost permanent this confusion. Who am I becoming? What am I doing to become that person? Is this really what I want? I don’t know any of those answers.
I have been going to yoga, trying to find the right class
for me. I think I’ve found the one I
like best. I wish I could go to it more
often but once a week is good for now while I get better at time management.
I still need to work but I feel held back because I doubt
anyone will hire me for weekends and every second Friday only. I need to work I need to work I need to
work. I have all this stress but I
probably create it for myself, and so I need to un-create it… or find some way
out. So, I’m thinking working might
help. I will be busier which will be
challenging but I’ll have money and if I’m lucky I can find a fun, mindless job
away from people so I can re-boot. If
only. Maybe like a pet store? I don’t know.
This is hard for me.
I still want to volunteer but is there time? Where would I volunteer? I’m told I should volunteer outside of my
field of interest. So what else do I
enjoy… painting, animals, babies, gardening.
Can I volunteer with any of those things? Maybe animals. I wish I could volunteer in a hospital and
take care of little newborn babies… that might not even be a thing, though,
only a creepy desire. It’s too cold for
gardening now. And I can paint at
home. Maybe I should paint.
I need to define happiness for myself. I have been doing a lot of reading about
happiness. I am considering that maybe I
shouldn’t ask myself “why are you not happy” but rather, “why are you sad?” Maybe I haven’t focused enough on my sadness –
really diving into it, reflecting on it.
Maybe I am taking too many steps forward trying to find my
happiness.
