isn't it amazing?

Goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Take apart your head,
take apart the counting,
and the flock it has bred.

good morning people in the world.

i havent written for a really long time - over a month even.  since i last wrote i've moved, again, but this time to calgary for work.  work has been good, i really like getting to know my clients and i feel like a professional every day.  the place im living at is okay, it has some great aspects and some shitty aspects... i was gonna look for a new place to live this weekend, but like everything else i say i'll do, it never happened.

i have been having a really rough time this semester... well, this whole school year it feels like.  i am failing school right now, but moving up slowly which is great.  i feel i am unable to keep up with the demands and expectations of life all of a sudden - i am exhusted when anyone expects anything of me, even the people i love.  i am hurting the people closests to me.  at least, i know i am hurting one.  maybe i am just thinking the world revolves around me again, and maybe i am not really hurting other people?  i must be hurting them - i always cancel on my friends, and i am constantly saying i'll do things that i know i wont do.  i dont know when i started doing that.  i told clint i do it because of two reasons: one, the things i say i'll do are the things i want to do, in theory, because i wish i was that person who does those things.  two: i dont think people will like me if i am the way i am.  i dont know why i think that, but i carry it around.

i am conmtinuing to take responsibility for being a shitty friend... i really am.  i have been calling my friends way more often to keep in touch and i saw some of them this weekend which was really nice.  next up is to start saying what i mean, and doing what i say im gonna do - it is harder for me than you might think.  i am bored yet too unmotiavted to change it.  i might be becomimg my mother.

petty and trivial

i am finally home, finally snuggled up to where i am supposed to be with who i am supposed to be with.  i know i am meant to go away again, to find the life i am probably meant to have; however i still find myself debating between what i really feel or want.  i am supposed to enjoy the small things in life, and relax and laugh and fly by the seat of my pants, but those things seem to become more distant as each day passes.  some days are better than others, and there are usually some parts of every day that are better than other parts, but i still look at other people and wonder how they do it - how do they enjoy walking, enjoy the snow, enjoy relaxing inside with a movie?  i dont remember how to enjoy those things in the same way that i used to, and i am confused and sad about it a lot of the time.  but, i am trying - we are trying together - and i hope that one day everything will click, everything will make sense.

" not all who wander are lost"

divided & smiling

"Now I’m just trying to convince myself that it’s all worth it. And, it is. I’m learning a lot about reading and writing, allowing me more awareness of my passion. As I look to my right, I see my tall, full bookshelf and I think about how many words are approximately in that small space. How much inspiration. All the passion, love, tears, hate, sadness, heartbreak, violence.. it all fits in those books, which are stacked on a shelf, which are situated in a room, in a house, in a city, in a world, in a universe. And all those words, and all those souls, won’t be read by all, but have the ability to convince and move me. Words. That’s why it’s worth it."
hlsc passion

"I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street and even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.”
falling in love

it was my heart on the line

"There are different kinds of lonely. Some people are lonely because they are awkward or shy or just because they are going through a hard time. On the other hand, some people are lonely because they find company inside their head, in their thoughts and feelings and daydreams"

i cannot connect to people because of something i am missing, something that needs to grow.  everytime i feel like that part is growing, things change again.  i am learning slowly, and everything is good and everyone is loved,  but i am still learning.