Random thoughts poured into eachother.

I am sitting here listening to music I don’t know, which I love.  A part of me loves not knowing and the other part of me goes bat shit crazy.  I am so confused in the world, it is almost permanent this confusion.  Who am I becoming?  What am I doing to become that person?  Is this really what I want?  I don’t know any of those answers. 

I have been going to yoga, trying to find the right class for me.  I think I’ve found the one I like best.  I wish I could go to it more often but once a week is good for now while I get better at time management.

I still need to work but I feel held back because I doubt anyone will hire me for weekends and every second Friday only.  I need to work I need to work I need to work.  I have all this stress but I probably create it for myself, and so I need to un-create it… or find some way out.  So, I’m thinking working might help.  I will be busier which will be challenging but I’ll have money and if I’m lucky I can find a fun, mindless job away from people so I can re-boot.  If only.  Maybe like a pet store?  I don’t know.  This is hard for me. 

I still want to volunteer but is there time?  Where would I volunteer?  I’m told I should volunteer outside of my field of interest.  So what else do I enjoy… painting, animals, babies, gardening.  Can I volunteer with any of those things?  Maybe animals.  I wish I could volunteer in a hospital and take care of little newborn babies… that might not even be a thing, though, only a creepy desire.  It’s too cold for gardening now.  And I can paint at home.  Maybe I should paint.  

I need to define happiness for myself.  I have been doing a lot of reading about happiness.  I am considering that maybe I shouldn’t ask myself “why are you not happy” but rather, “why are you sad?”  Maybe I haven’t focused enough on my sadness – really diving into it, reflecting on it.  Maybe I am taking too many steps forward trying to find my happiness. 

Jump into the fall.

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

via iwrotethisforyou

First, you need to relax. I know it’s not as warm as it once was but you get used to the cold and warmth can be found in the people around you. Secondly, do not get used to crying to get things. Some people never grow out of it. Avoid them. Spend time around people who smile in the face of despair. Learn from them all you can. Everyone is a lesson. A story. A unique and wondrous perspective on the chaos that is human existence. The more people you talk to, the more you understand it. But never speak if you have the opportunity to listen. Especially if you want someone to like you. There’s nothing you can say that’ll endear someone to you as much as really and truly listening to them. You are on day one of a sometimes remarkable, sometimes terrible, sometimes beautiful, strange and always completely unknown journey. Be ok with this. Worrying about what happens next will ruin the surprise. You will meet strange people along the way, some good, some bad. This is a pattern that will more than likely repeat constantly as you grow up. Some things will be good, some things will be bad. Neither will ever last forever. Nothing will stay the same. Appreciate every moment of happiness and remember it when you despair. Hold them close. And when you are happy, remember the moments of despair and think to yourself, “I told you so.” Never let someone else define you. You are your own creation and only you decide how you feel, who you are and what you want. This can be scary at first but it is liberating to truly and utterly embrace your own identity. People who hate you for not being like them are not worth hating back. Please, let go of hate whenever you can. Accept love whenever it is given and give it out freely. It is the most powerful force on earth.

Enjoy your stay.

bleh

okay, lets just force it out of me... i know its all in there somewhere; positive, encouraging, warm aspects of life that i have to look forward to - all despite fears, anxieties, worries, concerns, the battles, tears and long nights that will follow...

first off, i should start with practicum.  i will be starting a life changing practicum in september which will kick start my entire career.  well, that might be too much of an exaggeration, but i feel that i am going to learn SO much and i am going to learn from this site where it is i want to go in this field... DESPITE FEARS.

i have been having a lot of fun lately with the people ive been spending more time with.  i think its really good to have a strong support network of people who encourage my dreams and who have faith in me to become who/what i want.

hopefully starting a new job where i can make some quick cash if i become good at it.  i am so desperate for money, to be able to have the things i want and go the places i wish to go.  i want to be able to treat my friends and family to things and i want to be able to spend money without debating whether or not i should put that money towards something else; i dont want to always be checking my bank account with a nervous pit in my stomach for what ill find.  if i could get this job and have the courage to do well, i might be that much closer to what i really want in the world. 

volunteering - i havent started yet because i think its a poor decision to volunteer before i can work.  i can hardly afford to buy food and drive out of my neighborhood let alone spending money to drive into the city to volunteer and make no money.  once i start working i think ill be really excited to fill more time with volunteering.   i am panicking as i write this because i hate that right now im stuck with ZIP to do, but in a few weeks i will be busy and under the knife until december - why cant things ever feel right and balanced?  anyway, i enjoy volunteering and i am looking forward to when i can do that.

clint and i are going camping again soon which will be terrifying but hopefully mostly positive.  i suppose im looking forward to that.

i am hopeful that clint and i can take a mini-holiday together before school starts.  if not, we will definitely be going on a trip after november or december when school is finished.  if i can start working and make some quick money then maybe i can manage to budget enough for a trip in august.  oh boy i really hope so.

Summer To-Do

Okay everybody knows I have an issue with time; I have an issue with feeling like I cannot relax or enjoy the moment, and that every moment passes so quickly that I never get a break.  I don't know what to do and Ive just been told to "enjoy the moment," "try yoga for relaxation," and things of this nature.  I have always had a hard time relaxing and being able to clear the mind, so I think what I need to do is instead of trying to relax is make PLANS; Plans that I will look forward to, enjoy, and consider a memory.  I dont know if I will be able to afford to do these things... due to my recent ill-faded-attempts at getting a job... but I'm going to make a list anyways. 

SUMMER 2012 TO-DO

• Go floating down the river
• Walk through the river valley
• Go bike riding 
• Go mini-golfing
• Shoot a gun at the shooting range
• Go to the batting cages
• Dye my hair
• Spend an entire day outside
• Go to the lake/beach
• Write someone a letter
• Get to Folk Fest if I can find a ticket
• Go camping 
• Donate more clothing and furniture
• Buy a new wardrobe for work
• Make homemade pizza
• Make homemade lemon-aid
• Finish a book 
• Paint
• Go to hawrlak park or rundle park for paddle boating
• Volunteer for something
• Be scared, and be okay after

Hopefully by doing all/most of these things, I'll feel that summer was worthwhile and that I am rested enough to go back to school.