well, i have gone back and read all my past entries and although so very much has changed, not much has changed at the same time... i am still lost in my own mind, trying to find something that's missing from somewhere.  however, i also realize that i was a lot more "full" than i thought i was when i was writing about being so empty and lost.

two years ago, i was in the midst of the best program i could ever have taken part in.  HLSC was so very fulfilling, and it pains me to read that i wanted to let it all go because i wanted to be home.  i guess it pains me now because a lot of those moments that i wanted to leave school for are no longer significant to me.  i wrote that at first, school and moving and all the tears and counselling sessions were important because they were solely about me - me, making a decision to do something on my own for my own life no matter the opinions of others or the relationships that might fail.  but, as time went on, i wanted a family and togetherness and i wanted to settle down rather than run... i'm so glad i graduated and i'm so glad i kept pushing, because although i got to settle for a little while, in time i found it was not for me.  rather, maybe i was settling down with the wrong person.  whatever the case, i am so grateful that i took that opportunity to run for two and a half years - run toward my dreams, run toward a life i chose for myself, and run away from people and things that were dragging me down. 

i am back home now which is unsettling sometimes - however my home has changed to a much more positive setting.  in the last two years, i have moved twice with a great friend into a home that is safe and full of laughter and it's dependable and welcoming.  i also graduated college and have been at a job working with people i love as a result of getting the education i did.  working with high risk youth has been such a joy for me, even through being screamed at and having things thrown around me and people being so high that they can barely see me in front of them... it can be a very fulfilling job - youth are awesome!

i also made a heavy decision for myself and my own well being and i left the man i used to praise in such high regard - we grew apart, or rather, i grew away from him and i no longer felt we served each other well.  i could not grow alongside him.  i could no longer see a future as our visions for fulfillment and joy and significance were so different from one another.  he was perfect, and still is i'm sure, but he was not perfect for me anymore.  i hope one day i get to meet the person who will challenge me mentally and emotionally, the person who will be passionate about something wonderful, the person who will enjoy the significant but simple pleasures in life like a hot coffee in the morning outside on the balcony.

i also got my lovely little penny-lou, daschund shi-tzu mixture.  having her little puppy-self has not been easybut she has added life to my life.  that's what's most important.

in the last two years i have also gone on some simple but significant trips - i went to victoria three times; i went on my first hostel excursion to seattle; i visited my best friend julie in toronto as well as my cousin callie.  this year, i would like to add portland and san fransisco to the list of places i have travelled.  i think i will go to portland alone and stay in a b&b and just take it all in.  as for san fransisco, i think my friend amy and i will go together and enjoy some of the classic tourist attractions.  i would very much enjoy that.

hello there

Practice.

"The path of Yoga is, by no means a simple one. I would recommend starting with one or two things to slowly transform one’s self. Take, for example, ahimsa - practicing non-violence. On the surface, this appears to be telling us not to be physically violent or harmful towards others. One may believe, since I do not kick puppies, spank my children or get in fist fights to have mastered this concept. While this is a good beginning, it extends far deeper than this. Allowing aggressive thoughts towards others pass through our mind, forcibly pushing one further or deeper into a pose or consuming animals as food are all examples of not practicing ahimsa. Rather than throwing one’s hands up in resignation, it is important to emphasize the word practice. This is what Yoga – and life – truly is all about. It’s about the journey, not necessarily about the destination. We often react in a violent manner, whether it is toward the person who cuts us off in traffic or at another who truly aggravates us. Breathe – we are all human. The main thing is to be aware that we are acting as such and endeavor to “catch our selves” and decrease the frequency as to how we might react this way. Over time, like thinking about things being half full as opposed to half empty, or seeing the positives in adversity, we gradually become more mindful and adapt our selves accordingly."

Random thoughts poured into eachother.

I am sitting here listening to music I don’t know, which I love.  A part of me loves not knowing and the other part of me goes bat shit crazy.  I am so confused in the world, it is almost permanent this confusion.  Who am I becoming?  What am I doing to become that person?  Is this really what I want?  I don’t know any of those answers. 

I have been going to yoga, trying to find the right class for me.  I think I’ve found the one I like best.  I wish I could go to it more often but once a week is good for now while I get better at time management.

I still need to work but I feel held back because I doubt anyone will hire me for weekends and every second Friday only.  I need to work I need to work I need to work.  I have all this stress but I probably create it for myself, and so I need to un-create it… or find some way out.  So, I’m thinking working might help.  I will be busier which will be challenging but I’ll have money and if I’m lucky I can find a fun, mindless job away from people so I can re-boot.  If only.  Maybe like a pet store?  I don’t know.  This is hard for me. 

I still want to volunteer but is there time?  Where would I volunteer?  I’m told I should volunteer outside of my field of interest.  So what else do I enjoy… painting, animals, babies, gardening.  Can I volunteer with any of those things?  Maybe animals.  I wish I could volunteer in a hospital and take care of little newborn babies… that might not even be a thing, though, only a creepy desire.  It’s too cold for gardening now.  And I can paint at home.  Maybe I should paint.  

I need to define happiness for myself.  I have been doing a lot of reading about happiness.  I am considering that maybe I shouldn’t ask myself “why are you not happy” but rather, “why are you sad?”  Maybe I haven’t focused enough on my sadness – really diving into it, reflecting on it.  Maybe I am taking too many steps forward trying to find my happiness. 

Jump into the fall.

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.