You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the nighttime fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over, you're the start
You're my head and you're my heart

i am sitting here listening to the "alternative rock" music channel, which is my most recent obsession.  i love listening to music that has meaning behind the words that are said, music that i've never heard or felt before.  i have really lost music in my life lately, and i know that it's about time i bring it back.  my personal favourite at this moment: The Grand Optimist by the truly lovely, City and Colour.

i have been spending lots of time wondering about who i am and where i am supposed to be.  but, have i ever really stopped with those thoughts? no - i wonder all the time, everyday, and i question almost everything.  i have been doubting myself a lot lately, feeling as though i'm destined to become my mother, or some version of her that i won't be satisfied with.  i want to break the mold - people become their parents every day and i cringe every time i see it.  society astounds me, with the true lack of personal awareness, accountability, responsibility and growth that people refuse to work towards.  i have put in too much effort, too many tears, and too many kilometers away from my loved ones to stop my growth now.  but, as it remains, i have not decided yet where to go from here.

however, i must say i am dating the best person that could ever come into my life.  we have been through so much in a relatively short time, and im so thankful that he was willing to try, and wait, and be the optimist in this relationship that we so needed.  i am amazed that even after two years, i cant wait for him to come home from work; he is still my favourite person to spend time with; i go to him for everything; and that he can still make me laugh until i cry.  the other night, he and i spent a good half an hour or an hour just laughing and poking fun at each other late into the night, and i am so happy that i am the one who can share in those moments with him.

i feel that i need to write more... again.  writing used to help me feel better, but i've stopped writing a lot this year so ive really forgotten how beneficial it can be.  mind you, there are a few things on my list of healthier-to-dos...

• stretch more often
• drink more water, more often
• get "slippery elm tea" and digestive pills

lately, ive been spending most of my time being a housewife, really: cleaning house, doing laundry, decorating, unpacking, reorganizing.  it's been good, relaxing for the most part.  however i cant help but feel discouraged because i havent been called back for any jobs, which is disheartening after going to school to get an education that will get me a job... maybe i'm not meant to have a job right now? i don't know.  that's what i'm telling myself.  i've applied to about four or five places, and even inquired about shadowing or volunteering at others with no call backs.  well, i got one call back with an interview but no calls since.  i am trying to stay positive, just enjoying being home and relaxing before working really takes off.  i guess i just have to wait and see where life takes me, again.