lovelovelove

"it's okay,"

and it was.

butterfly tummy continues

things felt fabulous this weekend.  i don't mean that everything went smoothly and was perfect and that nothing went wrong; i mean that everything literally felt fabulous.  i had so much fun even just picking my outfits, which is so weird for me because i try my best to fight materialism and consumerism on a daily basis.  however, this weekend was different.  this whole week really.  i'm broke and practically out of a job, school is starting and i'm basically already behind, and i get oddly depressed at odd times... but i still felt oddly good, happy, comfy.  i don't know.  i'm confused a lot.  but feeling... good?

saturday was so good, so was friday.  but saturday i went to the art walk on whyte which i loved.  i love art, especially up-and-coming art, outside art, and sun... all at one time?  just great.  coffee or tea would have made things a bit more storybook, but it was too hot and i preferred water.  that's okay though.  i still really liked my outfit.  ha!

i loved seeing all my family and baby cousins today.  clinton coloured beside me, and last night we played volleyball with them (the cousins) as well.  clinton can have so much fun, even with kids... it's good for me to learn from him.  i have been trying to learn a lot lately and improve, but that is always a struggle for me.  i always feel like i've got 300 things i need to change about myself at one time.  anyways, getting together with my whole family on days like today reminds me that i'm really not so bad the way i am... they all like me (right?), so i must be okay.  also, a lyric from kenny chesney last night really reassured me as well... he said,

"i don't know what i did, to earn a love like this, but baby i must be doing somethin' right"

... i must be.  clinton is a really good person, and everyone always likes him, young and old.  he is funny and nice to everyone, and he's smart and calm and reasonable... he must be a reflection of me in some kind, musn't he be?  if we blend well together, work well together, and things of the sort... doesn't that reflect good qualities in me as well?  i hope.

if heaven wasn't so far away

i'd pack up the bags & go for the day.

and losing them wouldn't be so hard to take

if heaven wasn't so far away

today was supposed to be a good day.  i say that because i've been so bored the last couple of days, but anxious and full of butterflies at the same time.  so i decided that today was going to be a good day, with a good outfit and a good friend and a good cup of tea... even if i couldn't work or volunteer or something.  i did do all those things, which was nice; my outfit was stylish yet effortless, and i love my twelve dollar shoes.  i bought new makeup, which i wore with my outfit, and i headed over to my friends place for some catching up and tea.  both were good.  for the most part.  things soon went sour, and i couldn't wait to get home to get help from clint... sometimes, things in life happen that don't make sense.  in this instance, i need to both swallow my pride and suck it up at the same time, in order to make things "right" again.  i will try, but i'm scared.  

rupert either hates us a lot, or thinks we're his best friends.  he bites us now, but i think that's because uncle jason kept feeding rupert food out of his hand, so now rupert thinks that if he bites he'll get food.  oh well, at least he leaves his can now.  and he likes his slide.  thanks, uncle jason! 

i hope things start to fit into place soon.  i guess i shouldn't word it like that... some things have fallen right where they should have, like being here and finally feeling like i should be.  i've just got butterflies all the time, like i'm excited or anxious or nervous and i don't know why or what for... there's a lot of things i want to do, like go to new coffee shops and walk outside and take pictures and help people, but i can't decide which of those interests is making me feel this way.  it's a good way to feel, but also unsettling.  one thing i'm sure of through all this discomfort... my green tea is the best, with honey, and i'm happy to be painting my nails again.

ps.  tonight, we hung things on the walls.  we put holes in the walls, to hang our keys, our coats, our dreams of sanfransisco, and candles.  holes in the wall are a comittment... and that's just fine. 

there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

link: this place is fucking cursed in it's plague

i'm not ready to go yet, it really hasn't been long enough.  i like sitting here, cleaning here, sleeping here, drinking tea here.  i'm at a dead end job, but i'm making things work.  i like the rain, i like when it's sunny, i like how close everyone is.  i'm trying to find my motivation to be back in school - i'm going i'm going don't worry - i just can't find it yet.  i felt motivated breifly yesterday and a bit this morning.  i looked at some pictures of a trip to new york that a friend of a friend took... they were lovely.  pictures of cities like that really get me excited - the hussle and bussle of such crazy busy places.  i love walking outside, with my backpack full of books, coffee in hand and ideas constantly flowing through my brain of what's to come from all of this. 

dreams seem so far off sometimes.  i find myself constantly asking why... why am i taking this, why am i moving so far away... this coming up year i will move three times.  three times?  talk about life on the road.  but i'll do it.  why?  because i love what i'm doing.  but why do i love what i'm doing?  that i do not know.  i love it because i need to, because i have to, because without it i'm not entirely sure who i am or where i'm going.  i feel that what i'm doing is just me, and i don't know where it'll take me, and i don't even know if i'll be good at it (i want to be great at it) but i know that it's what i have to do... even if it's just right now. 

i find myself looking in other directions lately - children, families, marriage.  it's all well and good, and i'm happy here, like i said, to be home and be in one place with my love.  but, i know that i'm not destined to be a stay at home mom, because i love the world too much.  i want to fill my brain too much, and give information back to whoever will soak it up.  and i think i need school to do that. 

there is good in this world

we fell off the planet, right back to our bed

wow.  what a long 10 days i've had.  also, what a long time it takes to catch up with the world once you've been offline for more than a week.  more people need to go outside.
fallen timber for the long weekend was great, except for one minor glitch on day 3... but that was resolved.  i hung out with some people i never would have thought i would have spent time with.  they weren't so bad, and actually, these people are still funny - even through all the crap we went through about a year or 2 ago.  made some good memories, sitting by the fire, quadding, riding on the back of clint's dirtbike as he cruises and my life flashes before my eyes, hanging out in the sunshine at the river, and fishing.  i just love being outside.

 

clint and i came home on the sunday and neeeeeeeded a day to relax, shower, and SLEEP.  so monday we lazed around a bit before hussling our butts to pack for our next adventure: banff.  what a cute town, and we had a cute time in it... even spoiling ourselves with a $73.00 meal and a hotel that was way over priced for how much it sucked.  but clint and i got through, like always. 

after banff, what a drive we had... to no where.  our plans to camp and camp and keep camping failed - no campsites were available and all the beaches were flooded.  after driving for about 9 or so hours... we called it quits.  we spent more money on gas, and more money on a hotel.  but we got a slight deal on this hotel, and got to enjoy a nice hottub followed by the last two episodes of breaking bad... that show completes our lives.

since our camping plans sucked, we made plans to drive to kelowna and beach it with my family.  but, another situation arose as we had to finally admit how much we suck at life: we drove by like 7 campsites on the way to kelowna.  we were just looking in the wrooong places!  kelowna was a treat... 33 degrees and we melted away.  boy, we love the water!  and a good tan.   i also love my family - great to see them, great for them to meet clint, and great for clint to move the dryer and fix some things that the girls were in desperate need of.  hehehe

and our trip went on and on and on and on!  so did the memories.  we left kelowna, after some personal struggles (L) and headed on our way to rocky mountain house for a family camping weekend with all the alexanders.  it was about a 10 hour drive, soooo needless to say we were pretty slow going and not really welcoming it.  but we got on the way, and of course, things didn't work out as planned - haha but that's okay!  we couldn't make the full 10 hour trip, so we stopped to stay at yet another hotel... or a motel, rather.  the sketchiest motel in all of alberta, i'm pretty sure.  place was renovated, but completely unfinished; there were no bedside tables, the air conditioner wasn\t allocated a spot to be plugged in, there was no outlet in the bathroom, the shower didn't work, and a light kept turning on and off right across from our room all night.  creepy,  i know.  to make things even better, i woke up... after hardly sleeping... around 2 am, only so start my twelve hour food-poisoning-vomitting trek.  oh boy, what a lousy night.  clint even woke up and sat with me all night, ran to the store to get me anything that might heal this disaster, and wrapped me up in a blanket after i threw up and then froze to death.  needless to say, clint is so lovely.  we have this ongoing joke that you can't marry anyone until you've seen them vomitting and shitting at the same time... wedding bells, pursue. 

we left about 9 am, only half hour off schedule (pretty good considering the night we had, including the zero sleep) and we peaced it outta there - i stole the garbage can cause i couldn't contain myself... whateverthefuck was happening to me... and clint gave the key to the room back to an empty counter, because no one was near.  SKETCH. driving to rocky mountain house was hell, because my body was killing me from the inside out.  clint tried to drive more gently. but when you're that sick, everything hurts.  the alexander gathering was great, and i wish i was healthier for it.  everyone was so neat to talk to, and they all seem like they have their own crazy ways of having fun.  i secluded myself to a field alone in clint's camper chair, just me and my garbage can against the world.  i was so sick, so  many times, with nothing but water and gingerale in my system.  watch out alexanders... 

clint and i finally made our way home, after only about 5 hours at the campsite... i couldn't do it anymore and i was tired of puking all day, alone.  my stomach hurt, i was so weak i couldn't even hold myself up anymore, and i was cranky... obviously.  clint really wanted to stay a little longer cause he says i looked healthier... i should have listened to him because this is only an annual family gathering and we don't see these people often apparently.  but i didnt know, and i was tired of being sick, and now we've been home for like 5 hours and i havent physically been sick, but i'm not healthy either.  what is this anyway?

... but hey, now we are home, after countless cities, 3 hotels, 4 different beds, numerous faces, zero cigarettes, and 12 hours of pure sickness.  love, to clint! and love, to our time together!