bleh

okay, lets just force it out of me... i know its all in there somewhere; positive, encouraging, warm aspects of life that i have to look forward to - all despite fears, anxieties, worries, concerns, the battles, tears and long nights that will follow...

first off, i should start with practicum.  i will be starting a life changing practicum in september which will kick start my entire career.  well, that might be too much of an exaggeration, but i feel that i am going to learn SO much and i am going to learn from this site where it is i want to go in this field... DESPITE FEARS.

i have been having a lot of fun lately with the people ive been spending more time with.  i think its really good to have a strong support network of people who encourage my dreams and who have faith in me to become who/what i want.

hopefully starting a new job where i can make some quick cash if i become good at it.  i am so desperate for money, to be able to have the things i want and go the places i wish to go.  i want to be able to treat my friends and family to things and i want to be able to spend money without debating whether or not i should put that money towards something else; i dont want to always be checking my bank account with a nervous pit in my stomach for what ill find.  if i could get this job and have the courage to do well, i might be that much closer to what i really want in the world. 

volunteering - i havent started yet because i think its a poor decision to volunteer before i can work.  i can hardly afford to buy food and drive out of my neighborhood let alone spending money to drive into the city to volunteer and make no money.  once i start working i think ill be really excited to fill more time with volunteering.   i am panicking as i write this because i hate that right now im stuck with ZIP to do, but in a few weeks i will be busy and under the knife until december - why cant things ever feel right and balanced?  anyway, i enjoy volunteering and i am looking forward to when i can do that.

clint and i are going camping again soon which will be terrifying but hopefully mostly positive.  i suppose im looking forward to that.

i am hopeful that clint and i can take a mini-holiday together before school starts.  if not, we will definitely be going on a trip after november or december when school is finished.  if i can start working and make some quick money then maybe i can manage to budget enough for a trip in august.  oh boy i really hope so.

Summer To-Do

Okay everybody knows I have an issue with time; I have an issue with feeling like I cannot relax or enjoy the moment, and that every moment passes so quickly that I never get a break.  I don't know what to do and Ive just been told to "enjoy the moment," "try yoga for relaxation," and things of this nature.  I have always had a hard time relaxing and being able to clear the mind, so I think what I need to do is instead of trying to relax is make PLANS; Plans that I will look forward to, enjoy, and consider a memory.  I dont know if I will be able to afford to do these things... due to my recent ill-faded-attempts at getting a job... but I'm going to make a list anyways. 

SUMMER 2012 TO-DO

• Go floating down the river
• Walk through the river valley
• Go bike riding 
• Go mini-golfing
• Shoot a gun at the shooting range
• Go to the batting cages
• Dye my hair
• Spend an entire day outside
• Go to the lake/beach
• Write someone a letter
• Get to Folk Fest if I can find a ticket
• Go camping 
• Donate more clothing and furniture
• Buy a new wardrobe for work
• Make homemade pizza
• Make homemade lemon-aid
• Finish a book 
• Paint
• Go to hawrlak park or rundle park for paddle boating
• Volunteer for something
• Be scared, and be okay after

Hopefully by doing all/most of these things, I'll feel that summer was worthwhile and that I am rested enough to go back to school. 

i have been in pain a lot lately and feeling concerned that maybe this is just how life is going to be from now on - painful, wobbly, uncertain.  clint is very positive and hopeful that things will be better but im just not sure.  this week i am trying out a few different styles of yoga with one of my good friends, which i am hoping will make my body feel relief and relaxation. 

ive been unhappy with the lack of growth ive made lately and i think i need to hop to it... i want to get some counselling at the edmonton berievment center, or just at the community mental health building here in town.  either way, i feel like im not doing near the enough personal work that i should be; i dont really know what i should be working on specifically, but i know i have a hard time staying motivated and inspired - maybe someone could help me capture that energy again.

i, too, need to start things; i also need to finish things.

i dont feel i have accomplished enough, and i dont even know what my goals are anymore.  sometimes i have a breif blip of my dreams and what i want to be, but it seems reality has a way of stomping on what i dream; there was a time i did not let reality stomp on anything.  i need to make a goal list, and use all the skills i have to break down the goals into miniature achievable steps.