well, i have gone back and read all my past entries and although so very much has changed, not much has changed at the same time... i am still lost in my own mind, trying to find something that's missing from somewhere.  however, i also realize that i was a lot more "full" than i thought i was when i was writing about being so empty and lost.

two years ago, i was in the midst of the best program i could ever have taken part in.  HLSC was so very fulfilling, and it pains me to read that i wanted to let it all go because i wanted to be home.  i guess it pains me now because a lot of those moments that i wanted to leave school for are no longer significant to me.  i wrote that at first, school and moving and all the tears and counselling sessions were important because they were solely about me - me, making a decision to do something on my own for my own life no matter the opinions of others or the relationships that might fail.  but, as time went on, i wanted a family and togetherness and i wanted to settle down rather than run... i'm so glad i graduated and i'm so glad i kept pushing, because although i got to settle for a little while, in time i found it was not for me.  rather, maybe i was settling down with the wrong person.  whatever the case, i am so grateful that i took that opportunity to run for two and a half years - run toward my dreams, run toward a life i chose for myself, and run away from people and things that were dragging me down. 

i am back home now which is unsettling sometimes - however my home has changed to a much more positive setting.  in the last two years, i have moved twice with a great friend into a home that is safe and full of laughter and it's dependable and welcoming.  i also graduated college and have been at a job working with people i love as a result of getting the education i did.  working with high risk youth has been such a joy for me, even through being screamed at and having things thrown around me and people being so high that they can barely see me in front of them... it can be a very fulfilling job - youth are awesome!

i also made a heavy decision for myself and my own well being and i left the man i used to praise in such high regard - we grew apart, or rather, i grew away from him and i no longer felt we served each other well.  i could not grow alongside him.  i could no longer see a future as our visions for fulfillment and joy and significance were so different from one another.  he was perfect, and still is i'm sure, but he was not perfect for me anymore.  i hope one day i get to meet the person who will challenge me mentally and emotionally, the person who will be passionate about something wonderful, the person who will enjoy the significant but simple pleasures in life like a hot coffee in the morning outside on the balcony.

i also got my lovely little penny-lou, daschund shi-tzu mixture.  having her little puppy-self has not been easybut she has added life to my life.  that's what's most important.

in the last two years i have also gone on some simple but significant trips - i went to victoria three times; i went on my first hostel excursion to seattle; i visited my best friend julie in toronto as well as my cousin callie.  this year, i would like to add portland and san fransisco to the list of places i have travelled.  i think i will go to portland alone and stay in a b&b and just take it all in.  as for san fransisco, i think my friend amy and i will go together and enjoy some of the classic tourist attractions.  i would very much enjoy that.

hello there

Practice.

"The path of Yoga is, by no means a simple one. I would recommend starting with one or two things to slowly transform one’s self. Take, for example, ahimsa - practicing non-violence. On the surface, this appears to be telling us not to be physically violent or harmful towards others. One may believe, since I do not kick puppies, spank my children or get in fist fights to have mastered this concept. While this is a good beginning, it extends far deeper than this. Allowing aggressive thoughts towards others pass through our mind, forcibly pushing one further or deeper into a pose or consuming animals as food are all examples of not practicing ahimsa. Rather than throwing one’s hands up in resignation, it is important to emphasize the word practice. This is what Yoga – and life – truly is all about. It’s about the journey, not necessarily about the destination. We often react in a violent manner, whether it is toward the person who cuts us off in traffic or at another who truly aggravates us. Breathe – we are all human. The main thing is to be aware that we are acting as such and endeavor to “catch our selves” and decrease the frequency as to how we might react this way. Over time, like thinking about things being half full as opposed to half empty, or seeing the positives in adversity, we gradually become more mindful and adapt our selves accordingly."

Random thoughts poured into eachother.

I am sitting here listening to music I don’t know, which I love.  A part of me loves not knowing and the other part of me goes bat shit crazy.  I am so confused in the world, it is almost permanent this confusion.  Who am I becoming?  What am I doing to become that person?  Is this really what I want?  I don’t know any of those answers. 

I have been going to yoga, trying to find the right class for me.  I think I’ve found the one I like best.  I wish I could go to it more often but once a week is good for now while I get better at time management.

I still need to work but I feel held back because I doubt anyone will hire me for weekends and every second Friday only.  I need to work I need to work I need to work.  I have all this stress but I probably create it for myself, and so I need to un-create it… or find some way out.  So, I’m thinking working might help.  I will be busier which will be challenging but I’ll have money and if I’m lucky I can find a fun, mindless job away from people so I can re-boot.  If only.  Maybe like a pet store?  I don’t know.  This is hard for me. 

I still want to volunteer but is there time?  Where would I volunteer?  I’m told I should volunteer outside of my field of interest.  So what else do I enjoy… painting, animals, babies, gardening.  Can I volunteer with any of those things?  Maybe animals.  I wish I could volunteer in a hospital and take care of little newborn babies… that might not even be a thing, though, only a creepy desire.  It’s too cold for gardening now.  And I can paint at home.  Maybe I should paint.  

I need to define happiness for myself.  I have been doing a lot of reading about happiness.  I am considering that maybe I shouldn’t ask myself “why are you not happy” but rather, “why are you sad?”  Maybe I haven’t focused enough on my sadness – really diving into it, reflecting on it.  Maybe I am taking too many steps forward trying to find my happiness. 

Jump into the fall.

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

via iwrotethisforyou

First, you need to relax. I know it’s not as warm as it once was but you get used to the cold and warmth can be found in the people around you. Secondly, do not get used to crying to get things. Some people never grow out of it. Avoid them. Spend time around people who smile in the face of despair. Learn from them all you can. Everyone is a lesson. A story. A unique and wondrous perspective on the chaos that is human existence. The more people you talk to, the more you understand it. But never speak if you have the opportunity to listen. Especially if you want someone to like you. There’s nothing you can say that’ll endear someone to you as much as really and truly listening to them. You are on day one of a sometimes remarkable, sometimes terrible, sometimes beautiful, strange and always completely unknown journey. Be ok with this. Worrying about what happens next will ruin the surprise. You will meet strange people along the way, some good, some bad. This is a pattern that will more than likely repeat constantly as you grow up. Some things will be good, some things will be bad. Neither will ever last forever. Nothing will stay the same. Appreciate every moment of happiness and remember it when you despair. Hold them close. And when you are happy, remember the moments of despair and think to yourself, “I told you so.” Never let someone else define you. You are your own creation and only you decide how you feel, who you are and what you want. This can be scary at first but it is liberating to truly and utterly embrace your own identity. People who hate you for not being like them are not worth hating back. Please, let go of hate whenever you can. Accept love whenever it is given and give it out freely. It is the most powerful force on earth.

Enjoy your stay.

bleh

okay, lets just force it out of me... i know its all in there somewhere; positive, encouraging, warm aspects of life that i have to look forward to - all despite fears, anxieties, worries, concerns, the battles, tears and long nights that will follow...

first off, i should start with practicum.  i will be starting a life changing practicum in september which will kick start my entire career.  well, that might be too much of an exaggeration, but i feel that i am going to learn SO much and i am going to learn from this site where it is i want to go in this field... DESPITE FEARS.

i have been having a lot of fun lately with the people ive been spending more time with.  i think its really good to have a strong support network of people who encourage my dreams and who have faith in me to become who/what i want.

hopefully starting a new job where i can make some quick cash if i become good at it.  i am so desperate for money, to be able to have the things i want and go the places i wish to go.  i want to be able to treat my friends and family to things and i want to be able to spend money without debating whether or not i should put that money towards something else; i dont want to always be checking my bank account with a nervous pit in my stomach for what ill find.  if i could get this job and have the courage to do well, i might be that much closer to what i really want in the world. 

volunteering - i havent started yet because i think its a poor decision to volunteer before i can work.  i can hardly afford to buy food and drive out of my neighborhood let alone spending money to drive into the city to volunteer and make no money.  once i start working i think ill be really excited to fill more time with volunteering.   i am panicking as i write this because i hate that right now im stuck with ZIP to do, but in a few weeks i will be busy and under the knife until december - why cant things ever feel right and balanced?  anyway, i enjoy volunteering and i am looking forward to when i can do that.

clint and i are going camping again soon which will be terrifying but hopefully mostly positive.  i suppose im looking forward to that.

i am hopeful that clint and i can take a mini-holiday together before school starts.  if not, we will definitely be going on a trip after november or december when school is finished.  if i can start working and make some quick money then maybe i can manage to budget enough for a trip in august.  oh boy i really hope so.

Summer To-Do

Okay everybody knows I have an issue with time; I have an issue with feeling like I cannot relax or enjoy the moment, and that every moment passes so quickly that I never get a break.  I don't know what to do and Ive just been told to "enjoy the moment," "try yoga for relaxation," and things of this nature.  I have always had a hard time relaxing and being able to clear the mind, so I think what I need to do is instead of trying to relax is make PLANS; Plans that I will look forward to, enjoy, and consider a memory.  I dont know if I will be able to afford to do these things... due to my recent ill-faded-attempts at getting a job... but I'm going to make a list anyways. 

SUMMER 2012 TO-DO

• Go floating down the river
• Walk through the river valley
• Go bike riding 
• Go mini-golfing
• Shoot a gun at the shooting range
• Go to the batting cages
• Dye my hair
• Spend an entire day outside
• Go to the lake/beach
• Write someone a letter
• Get to Folk Fest if I can find a ticket
• Go camping 
• Donate more clothing and furniture
• Buy a new wardrobe for work
• Make homemade pizza
• Make homemade lemon-aid
• Finish a book 
• Paint
• Go to hawrlak park or rundle park for paddle boating
• Volunteer for something
• Be scared, and be okay after

Hopefully by doing all/most of these things, I'll feel that summer was worthwhile and that I am rested enough to go back to school. 

i have been in pain a lot lately and feeling concerned that maybe this is just how life is going to be from now on - painful, wobbly, uncertain.  clint is very positive and hopeful that things will be better but im just not sure.  this week i am trying out a few different styles of yoga with one of my good friends, which i am hoping will make my body feel relief and relaxation. 

ive been unhappy with the lack of growth ive made lately and i think i need to hop to it... i want to get some counselling at the edmonton berievment center, or just at the community mental health building here in town.  either way, i feel like im not doing near the enough personal work that i should be; i dont really know what i should be working on specifically, but i know i have a hard time staying motivated and inspired - maybe someone could help me capture that energy again.

i, too, need to start things; i also need to finish things.

i dont feel i have accomplished enough, and i dont even know what my goals are anymore.  sometimes i have a breif blip of my dreams and what i want to be, but it seems reality has a way of stomping on what i dream; there was a time i did not let reality stomp on anything.  i need to make a goal list, and use all the skills i have to break down the goals into miniature achievable steps.

oh, to move forward

“We never want it to happen, but yet sometimes it does. Sometimes we lose the people we love, the people we believe we have to have to become the people we’re supposed to be. But here’s the thing; sometimes those people have already instilled in us everything we need to move forward, and we have done the rest. Because, after all, while we are products of our parents, we are also individuals…and you, my sweet Kailene, are a singular individual whose light shines brightly every single day…”

The Marriage Plot

“As he lay on the couch, he thought of his parents, those two planet-size beings who orbited his entire existence. And then he was off, back into the eternally recurring past. If you grew up in a house where you weren’t loved, you didn’t know there was an alternative. If you grew up with emotionally stunted parents, who were unhappy in their marriage and prone to visit that unhappiness on their children, you didn’t know they were doing this. It was just your life. If you had an accident, at the age of four, when you were supposed to be a big boy, and were later served a plate of feces at the dinner table— if you were told to eat it because you liked it, didn’t you, you must like it or you wouldn’t have so many accidents— you didn’t know that this wasn’t happening in other houses in your neighbourhood. If your father left your family, and disappeared, never to return, and your mother seemed to resent you, as you grew older, for being the same sex as your father, you had no one to turn to. In all these cases, the damage was done before you knew you were damaged. The worst part was that, as the years passed, these memories became, in the way you kept them a secret box in your head, taking them out every so often to turn them over and over, something like dear possessions. They were the key to your unhappiness. They were the evidence that life wasn’t fair. If you weren’t a lucky child, you didn’t know you weren’t lucky until you got older. And then it was all you ever thought about.”

Jeffrey Eugenides

oh, today.

my laptop is so close to dying but i have to write.  today was such an inspiring day, and i do not know entirely why.  i had a day off which is obviously a thing of beauty; i slept in like a champ; i drank a nice cold coffee beverage; i bought mustard-yellow shoes (which i encourage everyone to do); and im about to cook chicken and potatoes for dinner.  i had some good conversations about the prevalence of human slavery and prostitution in Canada and the US, and my friend and i discussed our love for mental health, pharmacology, and neurology as a whole.  my love for school will never go away - i have officially decided.  there is so much to learn, and so much to explore.  i really dont know what im going to be when i grow up, but i know i will always keep learning and probably always keep changing my mind with what i want to specialize in - ive got some ideas rolling around in my head, mostly relating to neurophysiology and the processes of the brain in regard to medications and chemical imbalances.  where i will end up with those interests is hard to say... but atleast ive got my textbooks close by until i decide.

need: 

• "Soft pink lipstick and peach petal gloss. By Revlon. Almost similar to MAC myth lipstick"
• three different coloured decorative bed pillows
• scrap book paper for the bookself
• wallflowers
• an abstract painting with outlandish colours... or natural colours
• floating shelves
• a hanging-coffee-mug-thing

strive, always

"Most importantly, if you can at all avoid it, don’t be normal. Strive, burn and do everything you can to avoid being the industry standard. Even the highest industry standard. Be greater than anything anyone else has ever dreamed of you. Don’t settle for pats on the back, salary increases, a nod-and-a-smile. Instead, rage against the tepidness of the mundane with every fiber of whatever makes you, you. Change this place.

Please, do that for me."

my new thing that i want to make...

but first, i still need to make that lemonade.  hot weather, welcome!

happiness is a choice

i have been really working on my inspiration lately, and my happiness too.  i was actually so worn out and low one day that i typed 'inspiration' into google and tried to find whatever it was i was hoping to find.  i came across a blog where someone had written how they too were struggling with inspiration, and feeling as though their creativity had be somehow lost or blocked; this writer had mentioned that perhaps one needs to create their own inspiration rather than looking for it or hoping to find it.  this sounded simple enough - i mean it had crossed my mind before that happiness, contentment and all things related are in my control.  but soon after reading that blog, and all other sources of information relating to inspiration that the internet provided me, i began to feel this urge in myself to do things differently.  primarily, i felt my mind encouraging me to break out of my routine, even trying something as simple as going to a new grocery store and trying a new coffee rather than my regular double-double.  i began to feel oddly satisfied.

i am kind of an odd person, sorting through my thoughts and feelings and not always understanding them.  for example, the other day i went to the library and the second i walked through the gigantic doorway, i smiled from ear to ear and couldnt wait to find the coziest chair to sit in so i could ponder everything around me and read my book.  i also felt overjoyed by the site of newspapers from various cities... i love reading news from the cities i've been in.  when i walked into the library, i found a sign for the coffee shop which read that employees were needed; i wanted to apply right away because ive always wanted to work in a coffee shop... for who knows what reason.  my brain told me not to and that i was too stupid to do such a thing; that i could never be good at it; that i would see people i know and they would see me failing at making coffee; and as a result i felt halted in my own path.  but, as i knew i was on a hunt for satisfaction, fullfillment, and inspiration, i politely told the negative, shitty side of my brain to shut it and i applied for the job.  about fifteen minutes later i was called, interviewed, and hired, and now ive worked two days and i love it.  my coworker is so sweet and quirky, and shes a red head... unnatural gingers, unite.

i also recently went to an art gallery by myself, the farmers market with an old friend where i bought the best bookmark for the heartwrenching memoir im currently reading, and to the hippest restaurant with another friend where there are about 67 different kinds of beer to try.  i want to go back to the farmers market this week so i can buy a ruhbarb strawberry pie, and maybe this new organic wine i came across.  this past weekend, my best friend and i went garage sale-ing with a couple cups of coffee, then came home to hang some curtains and drink beers on the driveway.  all in all, i have actually had such a good week and i get nervous admitting it - the negative (and mean) parts of my brain seem so much stronger than the other parts that want to enjoy life.  but i am trying to smother the mean part in so much happiness and resliency  that one day the mean parts will just drift away.

tomorrow is another day of work, which means another day of actually getting out of bed and making something of myself which is good.  i dont get paid much at all, but i keep telling myself it doesnt matter... at least for now... because im making more money there than i am sitting at home on the couch, and if i am still getting joy from the coffee shop then i should stay because joy is what i need. this weekend my cousin is turning 18 and he is coming to town to celebrate; clint and i are going to go out with him and its gonna be so much fun.  on wednesday, i am hoping to go back to the farmers market (as i said) and im planning to see my friend joey soon to catch up on the last couple months.  also, when i get paid im going to plant my garden again; oh boy i just love flowers...

"the true test of character isn't how you are on your best days;

 

it's how you are on your worst days"

recipe

perhaps i can give this one a shot... especially since this weekend is supposed to be a warm one

Ingredients

• 1 cup sugar (can reduce to 3/4 cup)
• 1 cup water (for the simple syrup)
• 1 cup lemon juice
• 3 to 4 cups cold water (to dilute)

Method

1 Make simple syrup by heating the sugar and water in a small saucepan until the sugar is dissolved completely.
2 While the sugar is dissolving, use a juicer to extract the juice from 4 to 6 lemons, enough for one cup of juice.
3 Add the juice and the sugar water to a pitcher. Add 3 to 4 cups of cold water, more or less to the desired strength. Refrigerate 30 to 40 minutes. If the lemonade is a little sweet for your taste, add a little more straight lemon juice to it.
Serve with ice, sliced lemons.