my inspiration for today (thanks to julie):

website i'm currently obsessing over: http://www.laurenconrad.com/ - beauty, healthy eating, going-green...

You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the nighttime fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over, you're the start
You're my head and you're my heart

i am sitting here listening to the "alternative rock" music channel, which is my most recent obsession.  i love listening to music that has meaning behind the words that are said, music that i've never heard or felt before.  i have really lost music in my life lately, and i know that it's about time i bring it back.  my personal favourite at this moment: The Grand Optimist by the truly lovely, City and Colour.

i have been spending lots of time wondering about who i am and where i am supposed to be.  but, have i ever really stopped with those thoughts? no - i wonder all the time, everyday, and i question almost everything.  i have been doubting myself a lot lately, feeling as though i'm destined to become my mother, or some version of her that i won't be satisfied with.  i want to break the mold - people become their parents every day and i cringe every time i see it.  society astounds me, with the true lack of personal awareness, accountability, responsibility and growth that people refuse to work towards.  i have put in too much effort, too many tears, and too many kilometers away from my loved ones to stop my growth now.  but, as it remains, i have not decided yet where to go from here.

however, i must say i am dating the best person that could ever come into my life.  we have been through so much in a relatively short time, and im so thankful that he was willing to try, and wait, and be the optimist in this relationship that we so needed.  i am amazed that even after two years, i cant wait for him to come home from work; he is still my favourite person to spend time with; i go to him for everything; and that he can still make me laugh until i cry.  the other night, he and i spent a good half an hour or an hour just laughing and poking fun at each other late into the night, and i am so happy that i am the one who can share in those moments with him.

i feel that i need to write more... again.  writing used to help me feel better, but i've stopped writing a lot this year so ive really forgotten how beneficial it can be.  mind you, there are a few things on my list of healthier-to-dos...

• stretch more often
• drink more water, more often
• get "slippery elm tea" and digestive pills

lately, ive been spending most of my time being a housewife, really: cleaning house, doing laundry, decorating, unpacking, reorganizing.  it's been good, relaxing for the most part.  however i cant help but feel discouraged because i havent been called back for any jobs, which is disheartening after going to school to get an education that will get me a job... maybe i'm not meant to have a job right now? i don't know.  that's what i'm telling myself.  i've applied to about four or five places, and even inquired about shadowing or volunteering at others with no call backs.  well, i got one call back with an interview but no calls since.  i am trying to stay positive, just enjoying being home and relaxing before working really takes off.  i guess i just have to wait and see where life takes me, again.

one week at a time

i have been thinking a lot - but what else is new.  it has been snowing all day, and in theory, i should be able to say that it looks so pretty outside; in theory, i should be able to say that i'm happy to have spent all saturday and all sunday watching sex and the city, the oscars, 10 things i hate about you, whose line is it anyway, beading bracelets and laughing with the roomies; in theory i should also be able to say that i feel well rested after finishing my homework friday night and being able to sleep in saturday and sunday.  i should be enjoying so many things - my roommates make me laugh so hard and they have both done so much for me.  i just can't help but feel like i am ready to be home, i want to have my house and decorate it every day and clean it, and i want to be near everyone i love.  i miss my dad and i miss being able to swing by my brother's house; i miss the small, inconvenient mall in town that never has anything i want; i miss walking everywhere because we live so close to anything important; i miss the window in our living room and the sound of the cars on the main road behind our house. 

i used to want this career so much because it was about me and only me.  now, my life has become about more than just myself - is this wrong?  i cannot decide.  i used to be driven because i was only looking into my future as myself and what i wanted for me, and as time has gone on i have started considering my future with the people who will also be involved.  i am not the type to want to keep running - i used to be.  that is the epitome of what is going on here - i used to want to run, i never wanted to stay in one place.  now, i have someone that i love, someone i already have a future with.  i have a realization that certain family members are not always going to be around forever, but education is.  i have begun to accept that dreams change, and sometimes things are not what you thought they were going to be.

i don't know how healthy i'll be be for how long, i don't know where i'm really supposed to end up or what i'm supposed to be doing - but that's nothing new.   for now, let's make it through another week.  i am ready for home - it feels like it will never come, but i have this sneaking suspicion that it will.

i feel like everything should feel wonderful, because everything is.  but it doesn't.  i have been searching and searching and crying, trying to find my place again in the world.  i travel back in forth and find love and hugs and i feel better for a while, but anxieties of life always come back.  i live with funny people, and i work with smart people, and i live a travelled life that many only dream of.  but i am off, and longing for satisfaction in all these places.  i do not have a lot more words to share, the same that i do not have a lot of energy to think of words that i could share.  things are not as bad as i make them out to be.

isn't it amazing?

Goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Take apart your head,
take apart the counting,
and the flock it has bred.