one week at a time

i have been thinking a lot - but what else is new.  it has been snowing all day, and in theory, i should be able to say that it looks so pretty outside; in theory, i should be able to say that i'm happy to have spent all saturday and all sunday watching sex and the city, the oscars, 10 things i hate about you, whose line is it anyway, beading bracelets and laughing with the roomies; in theory i should also be able to say that i feel well rested after finishing my homework friday night and being able to sleep in saturday and sunday.  i should be enjoying so many things - my roommates make me laugh so hard and they have both done so much for me.  i just can't help but feel like i am ready to be home, i want to have my house and decorate it every day and clean it, and i want to be near everyone i love.  i miss my dad and i miss being able to swing by my brother's house; i miss the small, inconvenient mall in town that never has anything i want; i miss walking everywhere because we live so close to anything important; i miss the window in our living room and the sound of the cars on the main road behind our house. 

i used to want this career so much because it was about me and only me.  now, my life has become about more than just myself - is this wrong?  i cannot decide.  i used to be driven because i was only looking into my future as myself and what i wanted for me, and as time has gone on i have started considering my future with the people who will also be involved.  i am not the type to want to keep running - i used to be.  that is the epitome of what is going on here - i used to want to run, i never wanted to stay in one place.  now, i have someone that i love, someone i already have a future with.  i have a realization that certain family members are not always going to be around forever, but education is.  i have begun to accept that dreams change, and sometimes things are not what you thought they were going to be.

i don't know how healthy i'll be be for how long, i don't know where i'm really supposed to end up or what i'm supposed to be doing - but that's nothing new.   for now, let's make it through another week.  i am ready for home - it feels like it will never come, but i have this sneaking suspicion that it will.

i feel like everything should feel wonderful, because everything is.  but it doesn't.  i have been searching and searching and crying, trying to find my place again in the world.  i travel back in forth and find love and hugs and i feel better for a while, but anxieties of life always come back.  i live with funny people, and i work with smart people, and i live a travelled life that many only dream of.  but i am off, and longing for satisfaction in all these places.  i do not have a lot more words to share, the same that i do not have a lot of energy to think of words that i could share.  things are not as bad as i make them out to be.

isn't it amazing?

Goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Take apart your head,
take apart the counting,
and the flock it has bred.