xoxo

i bought old clothing, beached it, got a tan, ate some icecream, and helped make homemade pizza.  i drank lots of tea, laughed a lot, and enjoyed more days not reading or being in school. haha. my brain is too tired for that stuff right now.  tomorrow i get to see clinton again, as well as be super jam packed for time before heading out camping.  we're completely unprepared, but i think it's going to be awesome.  hot dogs all weekend, beers, good friends, laughs, quads, dirtbikes, fire pits, badminton... we need this. gosh, i love that crowd.  here's to hoping this year doesn't jab us in the back like last year did.  it's okay, clint and i are a team and we'll get through it.

aunti and uncle are great, thanks for the lovely visit as always.  can't wait to be back again.  this is a great place.

today, i went vintage shopping.  seriously, nothing is better than used clothing and used books and old mugs and pictures and things.  they're old and worn but somebody loved these things once and now it's my turn to enjoy them too... i know that sounds cheesey but that's why i love it.  and on a totally educational, nerdy, superhero note... buying used clothing means i'm making a dent in stopping human slavery. yes! what a bonus.

i bought a cool mug today from the dollar store and drank even more tea out of it.  holly painted her tea pot but i decided to just leave mine as it is... old and worn and full of hope.  holly's is all patchy, like one of those blankets gramma's sew together with all old pieces of cloth.  so adorable.

uncle made the best stir fry tonight, and we got to walk around the marina together and chat about a few things.  we also fought our way through a scary storm, and i kept wishing Clint would just be here! haha... but he wasn't... and i lived anyway.  i'll see him soon, and tomorrow i'm going to the beach.  even though things have been so fun on my mini annual getaway, i miss Clint and i wish he was here doing all these things with me.  he's my best friend!  what can i say... and we are also so aware of the fact that soon it will be september and we won't be able to do things together for a long time.  oh boy.  the worst days.

...and say, ‘well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ 

that’s all.

So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry’

to be where you are

Things have been good, except I miss my Clinton already... 3 days until I see him again but I'm sure we'll both live. Feels good to be working again, it's not the most rewarding job in the world but I like where I am now rather than before.  Im drinking warm tea right now, like I've been trying to do more often.  I just ate raspberries because they were only $1.77.  That's like zero money. 

I get weirdly homesick these days.  It's like I leave for five seconds and I miss everything... that has never happened to me before.  But I should live through these 3 days right?  I'm with my family after all.  Nights are always hard, even when I'm beside Clint.  Night is just not my time.  Last night was a blast though, having everyone over for yummy drinks and stupid games and laughs.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to beach it.  One can only hope it'll actually be warm for once.  I wish I could find an engine for the bike but it's more difficult than both Clint and I anticipated.  Barf, I miss him.  I've talked about him like 4 times already.  Time to go.  

“And then some guy wandering as lost as you would all of a sudden be right before your eyes, his face bigger and clearer than you ever saw a man’s face before in your life. Your eyes were working so hard to see in that fog that when something did come in sight every detail was ten times as clear as usual, so clear both of you had to look away. When a man showed up you didn’t want to look at his face and he didn’t want to look at yours, because it’s painful to see somebody so clear that it’s like looking inside him, but then neither did you want to look away and lose him completely. You had a choice: you could either strain and look at things that appeared in front of you in the fog, painful as it might be, or you could relax and lose yourself.”

 

"the man i marry is the one who comforts me the most

when my mother dies"

i thought a lot about mom last night.  i thought about when i went to Artstrek and she dropped me off and i cried and cried because i didn't want her to leave... i used to get such bad homesickness.  i also thought about when i was having a sleepover at my aunti's two hours away, and i got so homesick that mom drove 2 hours to sleep in the same house as me.  i always loved hanging out with my mom, even after the bad and mean things she would do.  i wonder what she would say about my life now, and i wonder what she feels about my Clint.  it probably wouldn't matter i guess, but i wish i knew if she likes him.  he would like her. 

if she was still around, i don't know that i would have ever left.

he's gonna change my name...

Honestly, things have felt really tough lately.  This morning I woke up to not so good news, but thankfully Clint is always around for support... he helps so much, which I appreciate because I have a hard time reaching out and depending on people.  Last night was rough too, but Clint and Barbara and Kirky cheered me up with their company and sushi.  Clint will be home soon and I always get so excited.  It will be hard to be away from him for 8 months again, but like Clint always says, "we are a team" and "we'll get through this together k".  Okay Clint.

Work Friday.  Work Saturday.  I need more money to pay for this house, to pay for my health, and to pay for fun with Clint.  He treats me a lot, and I would like to treat him more.  I need to reach the Boyle Community Center and start doing what I feel it is that I am meant to be doing.  I also need to read... but my brain hurts right now.

Tomorrow should be a good day.

my heart keeps telling me: hold your ground

link: have you ever felt the weight inside you
pulling away inside your skin
& then something had to give

today is not my day. i feel confused a lot and i feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. i wish my body was strong enough to carry it but instead my body is breaking.  im glad i have Clint at home to catch me when i come back tonight.

"Missing someone isn’t about how long it’s been since you have last seen them or the amount of time it has been since you last talked. It’s about that very moment when you are doing something and you wish that they were right there with you"

i thought about mom yesterday, how she used to hang out clothes outside on one of those hanger things with clothes pins.  that was nice.  

 

We need to make books cool again.

If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books...
don't fuck them.

in the grande scheme of things

i've seen gray skies that turned to blue,
and the way you smile when you tell me i'll get through this

sometime's it's okay if the only thing you did today was

breathe...

let all that you do be done with love

I have always written.  Ive had a journal since 2005, and sometimes Im amazed at the things Ive said - about myself, others, and things around me.  But man alive - did it ever help me.  I just recently started a new blog, a personal one - I think that some things really do need to stay personal... for professional reasons ;) but my mind is full and Ive been taught that sometimes it's okay to reach out (Thank you HLSC and Clinton)... thus: Im ready for this blog, & for all of you.
Whoever you are.

send me away with the words of a love song
the sharp knife of a short life
well, ive had just enough time
link: who would've thought that forever could be severed