if you were me, you'd do it too.

last saturday was the best ever.  no schedule, no time line, just 4 friends being friends and doing whatever they wanted.  i miss days like that so much.  it was so free, and relaxing, and everyone was happy.  i miss it a lot.  that's my kind of fun, my kind of company. xoxoxo to the bbbeeesssttt people. lots more hugs&kisses to my love! (hello)

5 more weeks 5 more weeks 5 more weeks

gotta do a lil CBT over here... one thing at a time.
good thing i got my log-buddy (shout out to k-PARKS, girl)

stage one task two

i think i know the real problem.  it's that without this program, i have nothing.  and i practically feel like nothing.  without some education or letters behind my name, i will have nothing.  i can never have success.  this stupid disability holds me back so much that without education i am useless to everyone.  i want to have kids and be a stay at home mom, but i want to make money and contribute to my house and my family and invest in the future before i stay home with my kids.  i see nothing wrong with being at home with my kids and not working, but i need to work before that because my husband will deserve my contribution and i want to make things happen for myself - trips and gifts and decorating and renovations, i want to make those happen myself, i want to be able to support myself.  physically, i am incapable.  thus, all i have is my mind, my ability to try to learn as much as i can.  if i give up on this program, i am giving up on any chance i have.  that is the fear.  that is the problem.  without this program, i will have nothing to my name.

i struggle to find the meaning in all of this.  how much of this is really necessary?  i don't mean to bitch or be mean or anything like that.  i am passed enjoying any of this, and in some ways i am passed enjoying anything, but that might have happened a long time ago.  when it rains, it pours and i cannot see passed any of this right now.  maybe i don't know how to cope or deal with things.  or maybe everyone has their own point that should not be pushed.  i am struggling to feel that there is a reasonable outcome from all of this.  i am boardering on no longer wanting this, if this is how it's going to be.  i have dealt with enough struggle and tears for a person of my age, and i did not get into this to face more.  sometimes enough is just enough and too much really becomes too much.  i am only one person.  one, tiny person. 

 

"have you come to terms with the fact that you've got a disability?"

is there a reason for this, somewhere?  

sleeping sickness

everything sucks.  i am getting nothing done, i am getting no where.  it feels like all i do lately is cry.  i wrote once that "i forgot how heavy the world could feel" but i feel it more and more now - like there is no light, no fix.  not anymore.
but im still trying to hope there is, somewhere.

things used to feel right.

today is not my day

even though we change, and we're all finding our own place in the world, 

we alll know, that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face,

we'll come to each other...

because no matter where this crazy world takes us,

nothing will ever change so much to the point that we are not friends.

"i don't know where i'm going from here, but i promise it won't be boring"

 

i set fire to the rain 

fields of gold

my morning duster.

i have a hate-on for october.  it's going to be one of the most stressful months of my life, i can already tell. it's hard to stay focused only on today because there's so much to be done, but i'm working on it.  i'm trying to enjoy the little things amongst all the big intimidating things, which is proving difficult as well.  like this morning, i woke up with that butterfly-anxious-excited-but-i-don't-know-why feeling again.  i think i just want to do so well, and underneath all the stress and panic and tears is the determination for something good.  i don't feel ready for work in january, but maybe after this semester pushes me i'll be ready.  everyone else before me has done this, so i should be able to as well, right?

little joys: this nail polish that my roommate let me borrow (thnx kira, best colour ever!)
the moustache mugs kira and i have been painting, which have proven quite the hit... otherwise now known as Morning Dusters - or Early Morning Dusters depening when you wake up.

thanksgiving and home in 5 days!

new matching pj pants for the roomies

this cd i just ripped to my computer which i have never listened to

MY CAT

knowing that i get to kiss&hug my love soon