i struggle to find the meaning in all of this.  how much of this is really necessary?  i don't mean to bitch or be mean or anything like that.  i am passed enjoying any of this, and in some ways i am passed enjoying anything, but that might have happened a long time ago.  when it rains, it pours and i cannot see passed any of this right now.  maybe i don't know how to cope or deal with things.  or maybe everyone has their own point that should not be pushed.  i am struggling to feel that there is a reasonable outcome from all of this.  i am boardering on no longer wanting this, if this is how it's going to be.  i have dealt with enough struggle and tears for a person of my age, and i did not get into this to face more.  sometimes enough is just enough and too much really becomes too much.  i am only one person.  one, tiny person.