31 days left

link: i lost the ground beneath me

i feel i need to change so much.  not that a whole lot is wrong with me, but as my highschool foods teacher used to scream at us (in an ever-so polite way): "the biggest room is the room for improvement."  i will never forget.  things can't always be perfect all the time, but oh do i wish they could be.  i don't know what life will be like in a year from now, but i am trying to only hope for the best;  i am trying to only hope. 

one month until life gives me a twist once again.  i don't know entirely how i feel about it.  i know when fall comes, and the leaves turn red and come to the ground, and it's chilly out and i put my scarf on, i will be ready for classes.  maybe not willing or able (ha! some HLSC humour...) but ready nonetheless.  however, i will miss my love;  i will miss his face in the morning and his hugs before our days begin.  i will miss coming home to him everyday and sharing in everything that's happened, face to face.  i will miss kisses and eating dinner together, walking together, and learning new things side by side.  but i am greatful for the phone, and for skype, and for the good ol' fashioned mail box... but somedays, i will just want his face next to mine.

dad and brother are so lovely and it was good to see thenm;  i haven't visted with them a whole lot lately and i feel bad.  but i have a life here now too... which to choose?  i will miss them.

it's hailing and my love is cold and wet.  it's my job to feed him and keep him warm for now... so i'm off!

i've spent my morning curled up in a blanket by a window covered in rain, with a cup of my favourite direct trade coffee, reading this book which i have to read for school.  it's the longest book in the whole world with the smallest letters.  but i'm only 28 pages in and i've already learned so much... HLSC has that power over me.  regardless of how much i've learned, and how much i may really enjoy it, i have less than no chance of finishing the whole thing before classes start, so i've gotta start skim reading soon. 

clint and i bought our little shitwagon last night.  well, really clint just bought it for now.  i can't pay him yet, but i will.  it's our car together so i am paying for it too... duhhhhh!  it's so cute, but so dirty.  who even sells a car like that?  really?  talk about having no respect for anyone.  i would never sell a car in that condition.  at least wash a window or two, and also filling up the gas tank so it's not below empty could be a nice start... but hey, it's ours now, and we'll love it more than it seems it has been loved for the passed little bit...

i don't have a whole lot else on my brain today.  i work a lot this week which is so good... thank the working gods!   i still need to find something to volunteer for... i have some hours, but i don't have the committment that i think bev is looking for.  hmm what to do, what to do.  with this gigantic book and working it seems i don't really have much time anymore anyways.  but i've got to try, i've got to to do something!  thankfully i get to help out with callie's Ignite the Road to Justice (hopefully) which will be a fantastic event!  whether i get to volunteer for her or not.

also, i need highlighters.

" 'There are stories of people coming to the Buddha, and saying, ‘I am leaving your teaching because you have not told me about whether there is a life after death, or whether there is another world.’ And the Buddha says, ‘Did I ever say that I would give you the answers to these things?’ ‘No, you didn’t.’ ‘Why do you think that I ever said that I would give you the answer to these things? Because these are not the things that you need to know. The thing that you need to know is how to deal with suffering, because at this very moment, what made you ask that question was suffering.’ "

keep changing the world

it's bright and sunny out today, and very warm - i can already tell.  i'm drinking coffee though, so maybe that's throwing me off.  but mmm mmm mmm, do i love this coffee.  i decided that i'm going to try to only ever drink coffee that is fair trade or direct trade.  i can't really stop buying clothing, and i can't really stop buying food either, and i don't make enough money to make any promises that i'll always buy expensive clothing (thus no slavory... in theory) or organic food.  fair trade coffee is only a small piece of the puzzle, but it's still a piece.  i tried this out over the weekend, and so far i've been successful.  i'll have to try not to beat myself up too hard when it's exam time at school and i'm dying for a coffee from the caf... might need a little forgiveness, too.

i had a dream i met one of my new roommates.  she was the best roommate ever.  when we initially met, in my dream of course, she said "there is just one thing about me that you must know:  i need to recycle, i love recycling and it's the one thing i'm a stickler about with my roommates."  best friends!  i was so happy.

last weekened, we were faced with some drama... this person in our lives is badly addicted to crack and who knows if anything else.  this person has become frail and weak, and i'm thinking probably taking part in what is known as "coke runs" - i believe that's the name of it;  when a person lives in a cycle of "get money for the drug, chase the drug, find the drug, use the drug, come down, get money for the drug etc etc" which takes hours... the using part takes maybe one.  thankfully this person should finally be off to rehab as we speak... but sometimes we, the onlookers, become immune to this sort of thing.  basically, we'll believe this person is in rehab when we see that this person is in rehab.  until then, life continues. but it's hard.

clint and i walked to the movie theatre last night.  it was so good to finally just be with him, walking by ourselves and enjoying being outside together.  yes yes i know: we live together.  and even being alone in the house should saffice, right?  not really.  it feels like clint and i bond more when we are walking together, holding hands and just watching the road beneath us. we can talk all we want at home, but there's something different about leaving the house and being together.  just something.  anyways, it was nice.  i almost collapsed as usual, which made me grumpy as usual.  i'm like an obese person in a skinny person's body.  but clint helped, again, as usual.  he's special.

i miss rupert.  he died and we don't know why; maybe a little mousey heart attack.  he was playing and running and digging just like he normally does.  and then all of a sudden he got really quiet so i went over to check on the little guy and he was just laying there, lifeless on his side, eyes wide.  i cried right away, like a knob.  but he was a little living thing, even though he was just a rodent really.  but i even get sad when my flowers flop over, so to have our little rupert - the one who runs and runs and runs on his stupid noisey wheel while we watch movies, and who climbs the cage like a monkey and shits everywhere - just die ten minutes after playing, makes me sad.  clint too i think.  maybe.

i finally ordered my Flores book: "group psychotherapy with addicted populations."  it should be here today or tomorrow.  i'm hoping that i won't completely hate my life when i start reading it, and that instead the book will motivate me for what is to come in school this semester.  however, i feel i will spend the whole time hitting my head against a brick wall.  but if i can read for like 4 hours a day,  i'm hoping i'll make a big enough dent in that thing to aid me through the semester.

i've got to call bev... kailene, call bev!
i've also got a lot of things to get done today before work:  stuff with my tires, stuff with my teeth, and other stuff that occurred to me last night but of course i forget it all right now.  then we are off to buy our little shit wagon that both clint and i want oh-so-badly.  why?  we have our reasons.  i wish i wasn't so poor though.  a month ago when we were going to buy it, i could have.  but not now.  now i've run out of money almost completely, and i have enough trouble buying food let alone pitching in for a car.  but i finally paid clinton back money that i owed him from a few months ago, so i know i'll be able to pay him back for this.

lastly, jenni is coming home this week!!! finally, she has returned!  elyse too!  i can't wait to chat with her about her year long adventures and i'm sooo glad we get to see each other before i move again.  i hope she'll come visit me this semester too, we'd have a blasty-blast.  oh boy, can't wait can't wait.

to all the people who are fighting for the broken

all the people who keep holding on to love

all the people who are reaching for the lonely

keep changing the world

i'm always searching for something but i don't know what.  it's not in the fridge, it's not on tv, it's not on my computer, it's not at the store.  i don't think i'm really missing anything necessarily, so even the lists of "things i need' that i make don't even help that much.  maybe i'm just genuinely confused.  maybe that's what it is.

lovelovelove

"it's okay,"

and it was.

butterfly tummy continues

things felt fabulous this weekend.  i don't mean that everything went smoothly and was perfect and that nothing went wrong; i mean that everything literally felt fabulous.  i had so much fun even just picking my outfits, which is so weird for me because i try my best to fight materialism and consumerism on a daily basis.  however, this weekend was different.  this whole week really.  i'm broke and practically out of a job, school is starting and i'm basically already behind, and i get oddly depressed at odd times... but i still felt oddly good, happy, comfy.  i don't know.  i'm confused a lot.  but feeling... good?

saturday was so good, so was friday.  but saturday i went to the art walk on whyte which i loved.  i love art, especially up-and-coming art, outside art, and sun... all at one time?  just great.  coffee or tea would have made things a bit more storybook, but it was too hot and i preferred water.  that's okay though.  i still really liked my outfit.  ha!

i loved seeing all my family and baby cousins today.  clinton coloured beside me, and last night we played volleyball with them (the cousins) as well.  clinton can have so much fun, even with kids... it's good for me to learn from him.  i have been trying to learn a lot lately and improve, but that is always a struggle for me.  i always feel like i've got 300 things i need to change about myself at one time.  anyways, getting together with my whole family on days like today reminds me that i'm really not so bad the way i am... they all like me (right?), so i must be okay.  also, a lyric from kenny chesney last night really reassured me as well... he said,

"i don't know what i did, to earn a love like this, but baby i must be doing somethin' right"

... i must be.  clinton is a really good person, and everyone always likes him, young and old.  he is funny and nice to everyone, and he's smart and calm and reasonable... he must be a reflection of me in some kind, musn't he be?  if we blend well together, work well together, and things of the sort... doesn't that reflect good qualities in me as well?  i hope.

if heaven wasn't so far away

i'd pack up the bags & go for the day.

and losing them wouldn't be so hard to take

if heaven wasn't so far away

today was supposed to be a good day.  i say that because i've been so bored the last couple of days, but anxious and full of butterflies at the same time.  so i decided that today was going to be a good day, with a good outfit and a good friend and a good cup of tea... even if i couldn't work or volunteer or something.  i did do all those things, which was nice; my outfit was stylish yet effortless, and i love my twelve dollar shoes.  i bought new makeup, which i wore with my outfit, and i headed over to my friends place for some catching up and tea.  both were good.  for the most part.  things soon went sour, and i couldn't wait to get home to get help from clint... sometimes, things in life happen that don't make sense.  in this instance, i need to both swallow my pride and suck it up at the same time, in order to make things "right" again.  i will try, but i'm scared.  

rupert either hates us a lot, or thinks we're his best friends.  he bites us now, but i think that's because uncle jason kept feeding rupert food out of his hand, so now rupert thinks that if he bites he'll get food.  oh well, at least he leaves his can now.  and he likes his slide.  thanks, uncle jason! 

i hope things start to fit into place soon.  i guess i shouldn't word it like that... some things have fallen right where they should have, like being here and finally feeling like i should be.  i've just got butterflies all the time, like i'm excited or anxious or nervous and i don't know why or what for... there's a lot of things i want to do, like go to new coffee shops and walk outside and take pictures and help people, but i can't decide which of those interests is making me feel this way.  it's a good way to feel, but also unsettling.  one thing i'm sure of through all this discomfort... my green tea is the best, with honey, and i'm happy to be painting my nails again.

ps.  tonight, we hung things on the walls.  we put holes in the walls, to hang our keys, our coats, our dreams of sanfransisco, and candles.  holes in the wall are a comittment... and that's just fine. 

there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

link: this place is fucking cursed in it's plague

i'm not ready to go yet, it really hasn't been long enough.  i like sitting here, cleaning here, sleeping here, drinking tea here.  i'm at a dead end job, but i'm making things work.  i like the rain, i like when it's sunny, i like how close everyone is.  i'm trying to find my motivation to be back in school - i'm going i'm going don't worry - i just can't find it yet.  i felt motivated breifly yesterday and a bit this morning.  i looked at some pictures of a trip to new york that a friend of a friend took... they were lovely.  pictures of cities like that really get me excited - the hussle and bussle of such crazy busy places.  i love walking outside, with my backpack full of books, coffee in hand and ideas constantly flowing through my brain of what's to come from all of this. 

dreams seem so far off sometimes.  i find myself constantly asking why... why am i taking this, why am i moving so far away... this coming up year i will move three times.  three times?  talk about life on the road.  but i'll do it.  why?  because i love what i'm doing.  but why do i love what i'm doing?  that i do not know.  i love it because i need to, because i have to, because without it i'm not entirely sure who i am or where i'm going.  i feel that what i'm doing is just me, and i don't know where it'll take me, and i don't even know if i'll be good at it (i want to be great at it) but i know that it's what i have to do... even if it's just right now. 

i find myself looking in other directions lately - children, families, marriage.  it's all well and good, and i'm happy here, like i said, to be home and be in one place with my love.  but, i know that i'm not destined to be a stay at home mom, because i love the world too much.  i want to fill my brain too much, and give information back to whoever will soak it up.  and i think i need school to do that. 

there is good in this world

we fell off the planet, right back to our bed

wow.  what a long 10 days i've had.  also, what a long time it takes to catch up with the world once you've been offline for more than a week.  more people need to go outside.
fallen timber for the long weekend was great, except for one minor glitch on day 3... but that was resolved.  i hung out with some people i never would have thought i would have spent time with.  they weren't so bad, and actually, these people are still funny - even through all the crap we went through about a year or 2 ago.  made some good memories, sitting by the fire, quadding, riding on the back of clint's dirtbike as he cruises and my life flashes before my eyes, hanging out in the sunshine at the river, and fishing.  i just love being outside.

 

clint and i came home on the sunday and neeeeeeeded a day to relax, shower, and SLEEP.  so monday we lazed around a bit before hussling our butts to pack for our next adventure: banff.  what a cute town, and we had a cute time in it... even spoiling ourselves with a $73.00 meal and a hotel that was way over priced for how much it sucked.  but clint and i got through, like always. 

after banff, what a drive we had... to no where.  our plans to camp and camp and keep camping failed - no campsites were available and all the beaches were flooded.  after driving for about 9 or so hours... we called it quits.  we spent more money on gas, and more money on a hotel.  but we got a slight deal on this hotel, and got to enjoy a nice hottub followed by the last two episodes of breaking bad... that show completes our lives.

since our camping plans sucked, we made plans to drive to kelowna and beach it with my family.  but, another situation arose as we had to finally admit how much we suck at life: we drove by like 7 campsites on the way to kelowna.  we were just looking in the wrooong places!  kelowna was a treat... 33 degrees and we melted away.  boy, we love the water!  and a good tan.   i also love my family - great to see them, great for them to meet clint, and great for clint to move the dryer and fix some things that the girls were in desperate need of.  hehehe

and our trip went on and on and on and on!  so did the memories.  we left kelowna, after some personal struggles (L) and headed on our way to rocky mountain house for a family camping weekend with all the alexanders.  it was about a 10 hour drive, soooo needless to say we were pretty slow going and not really welcoming it.  but we got on the way, and of course, things didn't work out as planned - haha but that's okay!  we couldn't make the full 10 hour trip, so we stopped to stay at yet another hotel... or a motel, rather.  the sketchiest motel in all of alberta, i'm pretty sure.  place was renovated, but completely unfinished; there were no bedside tables, the air conditioner wasn\t allocated a spot to be plugged in, there was no outlet in the bathroom, the shower didn't work, and a light kept turning on and off right across from our room all night.  creepy,  i know.  to make things even better, i woke up... after hardly sleeping... around 2 am, only so start my twelve hour food-poisoning-vomitting trek.  oh boy, what a lousy night.  clint even woke up and sat with me all night, ran to the store to get me anything that might heal this disaster, and wrapped me up in a blanket after i threw up and then froze to death.  needless to say, clint is so lovely.  we have this ongoing joke that you can't marry anyone until you've seen them vomitting and shitting at the same time... wedding bells, pursue. 

we left about 9 am, only half hour off schedule (pretty good considering the night we had, including the zero sleep) and we peaced it outta there - i stole the garbage can cause i couldn't contain myself... whateverthefuck was happening to me... and clint gave the key to the room back to an empty counter, because no one was near.  SKETCH. driving to rocky mountain house was hell, because my body was killing me from the inside out.  clint tried to drive more gently. but when you're that sick, everything hurts.  the alexander gathering was great, and i wish i was healthier for it.  everyone was so neat to talk to, and they all seem like they have their own crazy ways of having fun.  i secluded myself to a field alone in clint's camper chair, just me and my garbage can against the world.  i was so sick, so  many times, with nothing but water and gingerale in my system.  watch out alexanders... 

clint and i finally made our way home, after only about 5 hours at the campsite... i couldn't do it anymore and i was tired of puking all day, alone.  my stomach hurt, i was so weak i couldn't even hold myself up anymore, and i was cranky... obviously.  clint really wanted to stay a little longer cause he says i looked healthier... i should have listened to him because this is only an annual family gathering and we don't see these people often apparently.  but i didnt know, and i was tired of being sick, and now we've been home for like 5 hours and i havent physically been sick, but i'm not healthy either.  what is this anyway?

... but hey, now we are home, after countless cities, 3 hotels, 4 different beds, numerous faces, zero cigarettes, and 12 hours of pure sickness.  love, to clint! and love, to our time together!