my new thing that i want to make...

but first, i still need to make that lemonade.  hot weather, welcome!

happiness is a choice

i have been really working on my inspiration lately, and my happiness too.  i was actually so worn out and low one day that i typed 'inspiration' into google and tried to find whatever it was i was hoping to find.  i came across a blog where someone had written how they too were struggling with inspiration, and feeling as though their creativity had be somehow lost or blocked; this writer had mentioned that perhaps one needs to create their own inspiration rather than looking for it or hoping to find it.  this sounded simple enough - i mean it had crossed my mind before that happiness, contentment and all things related are in my control.  but soon after reading that blog, and all other sources of information relating to inspiration that the internet provided me, i began to feel this urge in myself to do things differently.  primarily, i felt my mind encouraging me to break out of my routine, even trying something as simple as going to a new grocery store and trying a new coffee rather than my regular double-double.  i began to feel oddly satisfied.

i am kind of an odd person, sorting through my thoughts and feelings and not always understanding them.  for example, the other day i went to the library and the second i walked through the gigantic doorway, i smiled from ear to ear and couldnt wait to find the coziest chair to sit in so i could ponder everything around me and read my book.  i also felt overjoyed by the site of newspapers from various cities... i love reading news from the cities i've been in.  when i walked into the library, i found a sign for the coffee shop which read that employees were needed; i wanted to apply right away because ive always wanted to work in a coffee shop... for who knows what reason.  my brain told me not to and that i was too stupid to do such a thing; that i could never be good at it; that i would see people i know and they would see me failing at making coffee; and as a result i felt halted in my own path.  but, as i knew i was on a hunt for satisfaction, fullfillment, and inspiration, i politely told the negative, shitty side of my brain to shut it and i applied for the job.  about fifteen minutes later i was called, interviewed, and hired, and now ive worked two days and i love it.  my coworker is so sweet and quirky, and shes a red head... unnatural gingers, unite.

i also recently went to an art gallery by myself, the farmers market with an old friend where i bought the best bookmark for the heartwrenching memoir im currently reading, and to the hippest restaurant with another friend where there are about 67 different kinds of beer to try.  i want to go back to the farmers market this week so i can buy a ruhbarb strawberry pie, and maybe this new organic wine i came across.  this past weekend, my best friend and i went garage sale-ing with a couple cups of coffee, then came home to hang some curtains and drink beers on the driveway.  all in all, i have actually had such a good week and i get nervous admitting it - the negative (and mean) parts of my brain seem so much stronger than the other parts that want to enjoy life.  but i am trying to smother the mean part in so much happiness and resliency  that one day the mean parts will just drift away.

tomorrow is another day of work, which means another day of actually getting out of bed and making something of myself which is good.  i dont get paid much at all, but i keep telling myself it doesnt matter... at least for now... because im making more money there than i am sitting at home on the couch, and if i am still getting joy from the coffee shop then i should stay because joy is what i need. this weekend my cousin is turning 18 and he is coming to town to celebrate; clint and i are going to go out with him and its gonna be so much fun.  on wednesday, i am hoping to go back to the farmers market (as i said) and im planning to see my friend joey soon to catch up on the last couple months.  also, when i get paid im going to plant my garden again; oh boy i just love flowers...

"the true test of character isn't how you are on your best days;

 

it's how you are on your worst days"

recipe

perhaps i can give this one a shot... especially since this weekend is supposed to be a warm one

Ingredients

• 1 cup sugar (can reduce to 3/4 cup)
• 1 cup water (for the simple syrup)
• 1 cup lemon juice
• 3 to 4 cups cold water (to dilute)

Method

1 Make simple syrup by heating the sugar and water in a small saucepan until the sugar is dissolved completely.
2 While the sugar is dissolving, use a juicer to extract the juice from 4 to 6 lemons, enough for one cup of juice.
3 Add the juice and the sugar water to a pitcher. Add 3 to 4 cups of cold water, more or less to the desired strength. Refrigerate 30 to 40 minutes. If the lemonade is a little sweet for your taste, add a little more straight lemon juice to it.
Serve with ice, sliced lemons.

i want to make lemonade, and i want to paint more mugs.  is lemonade a thing you can make from scratch?  if so, i want to.  my cookies turned out pretty good - not great, but pretty good for my first batch ever. 

recipe

perhaps this recipe will do... mmm classic shortbread

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/melt---in---your---mouth-shortbread/detail.aspx

to do

something i reaaaally, really want to do... make shortbread cookies.  if i'm not going to work, then i've got tons of time to bake.  i hate baking, but i love shortbread cookies.  i think i'll do it tomorrow. 

ps, day one of my 30 day challenge is off to a good start.  i went for my morning walk, and i've got my interview today with the john howard society which is probably where my picture-of-the-day will come in;  thank-you cards and stretches will be done before bed; i still need to give a compliment and drink water.  one step at a time.

update

something i reaaaaaaaaaaally want to add into my routine, is starting each day with a walk.  i walked every morning in medicine hat, because i had to walk to school each day.  i loved it.  it will be hard to do at home, especially because i don't have any motivation to leave the house at this point.  but, i feel that a walk every morning might be one of the best things for me... which is probably the reason why it won't be easy. 

onward and upward

i have decided that i need to do something different, i dont really know what yet but something.  i would like to do a 30 day challenge of some kind, but i think it will be a challenge that i need to make up myself. or at least edit myself.  i have compiled some ideas through a variety of 30 day chellenges i've read, and i think that following through on these ideas will be good for me; as i've read, our brains love routine.  at Aventa, we taught the women routine and habits in order to guide them in their recovery and sobriety; i am a believer that routine can help certain people maintain stability and mental health, both of which i could improve on.

i read on a website that 30 day challenges can work to either help one achieve something, or help one build a new habit.  according to the website, achieving something would be like aiming to have something completed after 30 days, and forming a new habit or breaking an old one would be the other option.  as for myself, i would like to set a goal to achieve something after 30 days... but i don't really know right now what that could be.  as for forming new habits, or getting myself into a new routine, my list for 30 days will include some aspects of the following:

1. drink at least three glasses of water a day (i know that's not really very much, but i hardly drink water at all unless i'm sick, so three is a great step)
2. make my bed every morning (i already do this, so it's not really a new challenge, but i think it's important that i continue.  we taught our clients at Aventa that the first thing you do in the morning is make your bed, because in recovery we believe that the way you set your bed is the way your day will be)
3. take a picture of something everyday (my instagram is about to get really annoying.  i am a huge fan of taking pictures and i know i have stopped doing it lately - i do not know why.  i dont know exactly what i will take pictures of, but just so long as i have one picture for every day of the 30 days.  i also don't know what this will achieve or how it will make me feel, but again, maybe the routine will be comfort and satisfaction enough in itself)
4. don't swear (really, i doubt i can do this.  but i am going to try)
5. spend at least an hour a day outside (an hour doesn't seem like much, and really i should be spending at least 4 hours outside probably.  i know that being outside is really positive for me mentally, but i get myself in these depressive cycles where i am bored and sad with life so i stay in, and then i keep staying in because i become increasingly bored and sad.  it makes no sense, and it's self-sabotaging, and i know better than that.  therefore, outside it is)
6. write out a thank-you card for one thing each day that i am thankful for (i was writing out a gratitude list every night of 10 things each day i was thankful for.  the catch was that the 10 things could never be the same as something id already written.  i think i needed to write the lists for longer for them to really impact me - i hear sometimes it can take up to 6 months or longer for those rtituals to really sink in.  i am hopeful that listing one aspect of each day will be more direct and perhaps more impactful)
7. give someone a compliment (providing service is what keeps us all going; i know that it makes me feel good if i can help someone else or make another person feel good)
8. stretch every night before bed time (my muscles need as much help as they can get, and i dont know if stretching will really change my life that much - but why not see what happens after 30 days.  here we go, flexibility!)

after 30 days, something i feel i might like to have achieved is having better balance.  my weakness has caused my balance to be nonexistant, and even balancing on a bike has proven difficult.  i am hopeful that maybe after biking every few days, that i will notice a difference in my ability to balance and hold myself - this seems like a long haul with a big question mark at the end.  if it doesnt work, then it doesnt work - i will try something new. 

off to the bookstore

thinking.

i felt today as if i was meant to read "oh, the places you'll go!" by dr. suess.  my roommate told me about it once, and i felt as if it were to die for.  today, i walked around being hazy and discouraged and i ran right into this book, for the very first time.  i read it as i stood in the bookstore with random people walking around, front to back.  i didn't buy it, but i feel i was meant to read it; i feel i am meant to own it, eventually.

i also found books on peace and appreciating more in the world than consumeristic aspects.  i didn't buy any of the books, but i went in search of meaning and i think i found it.  however, the meaning has yet to set in.

reminder

starve the ego, feed the soul

I have a lot to do tomorrow. At least... There's a lot I should do. Tonight was really fun because I spent time with my Clinton and my dad. I'm hoping my good mood from tonight can carry over to tomorrow so I can be motivated and accomplish things. -unpack boxes and bedroom downstairs -look for new chair covers -refill birth control (true) -go through and donate (hopefully) some clothes -apply for more jobs -garden -CALL SHAW! And whatever else I am forgetting.

Tuesday.

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place, the only time I feel safe

i bought my very first bookshelf and i'm pretty fricken in love with it; it's just a piece of junk, the pieces aren't even cut evenly and some parts aren't painted either.  but it's okay - it has character, and i'll just colour in the unpainted pieces with permanent marker... let's be honest. 

i need to get my shit together, more, and find a job... any job at this point.  i have applied for many, with no luck, so i've gotta start looking again.  i feel sad that even having an education hasn't helped me to get a job any easier than without an education, but maybe i just need to give myself more time.

i went out yesterday and really just splurged on myself.  well, not really on myself at all to be honest... on my home.  i bought new things for the bathroom to make it look a bit more vamped up, and some nice smelling soap and whatnot.  i bought myself some rings and earrings which i love, so that was nice, but i really just love my bookshelf - i've wanted one for a long time.  i think my mom would like what i have done with it.

i am going to see my dad again today.  i love being home so that i can see my dad.  we are going to unpack some of my stuff from the house that is in storage, and then clint and i will have to find a place for it.  it should be fun but also a lot of work. that's okay though.

i am suddenly feeling overwhelmed as shit, what with practicum still being up in the air, me having no job yet, still needing to improve my health, and having a grumbly stomach... i need to remember to keep myself in the moment rather than worrying myself over things that are in the future; things that are out of my control during this moment. breathe...