i have been really working on my inspiration lately, and my happiness too. i was actually so worn out and low one day that i typed 'inspiration' into google and tried to find whatever it was i was hoping to find. i came across a blog where someone had written how they too were struggling with inspiration, and feeling as though their creativity had be somehow lost or blocked; this writer had mentioned that perhaps one needs to create their own inspiration rather than looking for it or hoping to find it. this sounded simple enough - i mean it had crossed my mind before that happiness, contentment and all things related are in my control. but soon after reading that blog, and all other sources of information relating to inspiration that the internet provided me, i began to feel this urge in myself to do things differently. primarily, i felt my mind encouraging me to break out of my routine, even trying something as simple as going to a new grocery store and trying a new coffee rather than my regular double-double. i began to feel oddly satisfied.
i am kind of an odd person, sorting through my thoughts and feelings and not always understanding them. for example, the other day i went to the library and the second i walked through the gigantic doorway, i smiled from ear to ear and couldnt wait to find the coziest chair to sit in so i could ponder everything around me and read my book. i also felt overjoyed by the site of newspapers from various cities... i love reading news from the cities i've been in. when i walked into the library, i found a sign for the coffee shop which read that employees were needed; i wanted to apply right away because ive always wanted to work in a coffee shop... for who knows what reason. my brain told me not to and that i was too stupid to do such a thing; that i could never be good at it; that i would see people i know and they would see me failing at making coffee; and as a result i felt halted in my own path. but, as i knew i was on a hunt for satisfaction, fullfillment, and inspiration, i politely told the negative, shitty side of my brain to shut it and i applied for the job. about fifteen minutes later i was called, interviewed, and hired, and now ive worked two days and i love it. my coworker is so sweet and quirky, and shes a red head... unnatural gingers, unite.
i also recently went to an art gallery by myself, the farmers market with an old friend where i bought the best bookmark for the heartwrenching memoir im currently reading, and to the hippest restaurant with another friend where there are about 67 different kinds of beer to try. i want to go back to the farmers market this week so i can buy a ruhbarb strawberry pie, and maybe this new organic wine i came across. this past weekend, my best friend and i went garage sale-ing with a couple cups of coffee, then came home to hang some curtains and drink beers on the driveway. all in all, i have actually had such a good week and i get nervous admitting it - the negative (and mean) parts of my brain seem so much stronger than the other parts that want to enjoy life. but i am trying to smother the mean part in so much happiness and resliency that one day the mean parts will just drift away.
tomorrow is another day of work, which means another day of actually getting out of bed and making something of myself which is good. i dont get paid much at all, but i keep telling myself it doesnt matter... at least for now... because im making more money there than i am sitting at home on the couch, and if i am still getting joy from the coffee shop then i should stay because joy is what i need. this weekend my cousin is turning 18 and he is coming to town to celebrate; clint and i are going to go out with him and its gonna be so much fun. on wednesday, i am hoping to go back to the farmers market (as i said) and im planning to see my friend joey soon to catch up on the last couple months. also, when i get paid im going to plant my garden again; oh boy i just love flowers...
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