it's an uphill battle.

the world breaks everyone
and afterwards,
many are strong at the broken places

stress

i just want to enjoy the little things again.

make it stop

i have been too busy for writing, too busy for anything - practically too busy for the things i'm supposed to keep busy doing.  i only recently just got around to painting my nails, which is huge for me... sounds a bit trivial, but oh well.  i'm currently working on about 3 journals a week, a reflection paper on an N.A. meeting i went to, an alcohol prevention poster, an annotation, and a presentation on values clarification.  i also have to facilitate group in 2 weeks which i'm excited for, but not near ready.  i have to start my gambling paper soon, and i already took out enough books for it, thankfully.  tomorrow we've all got suicide prevention all day, as well as saturday - long days.  actually, this whole week has been super fracken long.  yesterday i was at the college from 8 am till about 7 pm, and today i've been in and out of the college since 10 am, also going to the gym and to walmart and then back to the college again until 830 tonight.  anyways, whatever, it doesn't really matter; people have long days all the time.  but this whole year is going to be long and i'm honestly already ready to call it quits.  being pushed and pushed and pushed has it's positives i guess, but i'm not feelin' 'em yet... i can hardly fit time in for anything anymore, including my classes.  like really, how does time melt away so fast?  my head hurts often and i don't sleep as much as i'd like to.  i've kept up in eating pretty well which is an improvement for me, but still, i'm lacking in other areas and it's slowing my progress.  gah, i'm ready for a break already!

spread hope like fire

i have a hard time with people who speak above me; people who talk as though what they are saying is superior over what i have to say.  in turn, this leads me to refrain from talking about myself.  isn't that backwards?  i don't want to compete to hear my own voice, and i don't want to feel as though what i have to say isn't important by having it pounded down by someone else.  i'm saying this as though i'm really offended right now, which i'm not, i just have become so aware of people doing this to other people.  but now i can't decide what's appropriate to do in this kind of situation:  do i just get louder and louder until my point is made or my voice is acknowledged?  do i smile and nod and let the "conversation" go the way it will, thereby rarely sharing my own opinion?  when is it safe to blurt when i want to blurt, be blunt if i feel the need, defend my points, or likewise?  i don't know when/where is safe to say what i truly want to say; i don't know when i'm being rude or talking more than necessary.  i'm confused by the whole thing:  leave the power of conversation in other people? let them ask me and only then do i speak?  is that the most polite thing i can do?  holy crap, personal awareness.

"say what you think, not what you think you should say"

What I learned today:  I really have grown up.
Thank you.

"if you're sick of starting over, you have to stop quitting"

I haven't written for so long.  So much was going on before I moved back for school, and I didn't have much time to write.  But there were also times where nothing at all was going on, and I didn't make time to write either... because I wanted to spend the rest of my time at home, focusing completely on my love, on my kitties, on my dad, brothers and friends; I decided that I would have all the time in the world to write when I was far away from them...

I was busy at a Human Trafficking event called Ignite the Road to Justice.  It was great!  I got to volunteer with my cousins, one of whom put the entire event together... fantastic.  Many people came out and together we raised awareness about Human Trafficking and vowed to put an end to it as a team.

I also started volunteering with Hope Mission, helping the homeless and addicted population on the streets... it is now one of my most favourite places.  I love the ladies that came in, big and small, drunk and high, prostituting and homeless... they are all people before the things they are going through.  I don't know what it is about these kinds of people who face these kinds of problems... they are who I want to be around; they are who make me comfortable.  We gave them food and water if they wanted, shampoo and a towel if they wanted, clothes if they needed, and a blanket for sleeping.  That's all.  Not a whole lot to me, but tons to them.  Sometimes fights would happen, or people would make a mess or someone would scream, but it was a great place to be.  I really enjoyed the men's ward too - I think I'd rather work with men one day... but today, the women's side was just perfect.

I also finished all my packing from Clinton's and most of my packing from Dad's... I don't know if I could have spent more time there packing anyways, so maybe it was good I didn't really have many days left.  I'm trusting mostly everything with my brother because there were a lot of little things I didn't get to go through.  Things will be so different when I go home for Thanksgiving, and even more so at Christmas.  I believe change is a good thing, but until I am adjusted... I will hate it.  I love my cats so much and I hate that I have to give them away.  I have (almost) never hated anything more.  My cat is like a person in my life... because I am a weird cat lady and if I could have 7 of my cat I would.  But I can't, and when she's gone I will cry like a sissy child and probably bitch about it for 3 sessions in counselling.  But as I said, change is good...

I'm back at school now and it's almost as if I never even left; I feel more like I went away for the weekend or something.  I guess I spend like 75% of my time here, so maybe it's not totally off the wall that I feel as though I have always been here... but I miss living with my Clinton.  It's so hard to decide where your home is, when you spend vast amounts of time in one space but the people you love are somwhere else. Oh well.  I want to be where Clint is, so I think whereever we can be together will be Home enough for the both of us.

I find myself wondering a lot lately about what Mom would think of this all; my school, my love, my life.  I don't know what she would think.  As a Mom, she would probably just be happy that I am happy, but I still want to know her opinion just as a person.  Things would be a lot different if she were around.