Practice.

"The path of Yoga is, by no means a simple one. I would recommend starting with one or two things to slowly transform one’s self. Take, for example, ahimsa - practicing non-violence. On the surface, this appears to be telling us not to be physically violent or harmful towards others. One may believe, since I do not kick puppies, spank my children or get in fist fights to have mastered this concept. While this is a good beginning, it extends far deeper than this. Allowing aggressive thoughts towards others pass through our mind, forcibly pushing one further or deeper into a pose or consuming animals as food are all examples of not practicing ahimsa. Rather than throwing one’s hands up in resignation, it is important to emphasize the word practice. This is what Yoga – and life – truly is all about. It’s about the journey, not necessarily about the destination. We often react in a violent manner, whether it is toward the person who cuts us off in traffic or at another who truly aggravates us. Breathe – we are all human. The main thing is to be aware that we are acting as such and endeavor to “catch our selves” and decrease the frequency as to how we might react this way. Over time, like thinking about things being half full as opposed to half empty, or seeing the positives in adversity, we gradually become more mindful and adapt our selves accordingly."

Random thoughts poured into eachother.

I am sitting here listening to music I don’t know, which I love.  A part of me loves not knowing and the other part of me goes bat shit crazy.  I am so confused in the world, it is almost permanent this confusion.  Who am I becoming?  What am I doing to become that person?  Is this really what I want?  I don’t know any of those answers. 

I have been going to yoga, trying to find the right class for me.  I think I’ve found the one I like best.  I wish I could go to it more often but once a week is good for now while I get better at time management.

I still need to work but I feel held back because I doubt anyone will hire me for weekends and every second Friday only.  I need to work I need to work I need to work.  I have all this stress but I probably create it for myself, and so I need to un-create it… or find some way out.  So, I’m thinking working might help.  I will be busier which will be challenging but I’ll have money and if I’m lucky I can find a fun, mindless job away from people so I can re-boot.  If only.  Maybe like a pet store?  I don’t know.  This is hard for me. 

I still want to volunteer but is there time?  Where would I volunteer?  I’m told I should volunteer outside of my field of interest.  So what else do I enjoy… painting, animals, babies, gardening.  Can I volunteer with any of those things?  Maybe animals.  I wish I could volunteer in a hospital and take care of little newborn babies… that might not even be a thing, though, only a creepy desire.  It’s too cold for gardening now.  And I can paint at home.  Maybe I should paint.  

I need to define happiness for myself.  I have been doing a lot of reading about happiness.  I am considering that maybe I shouldn’t ask myself “why are you not happy” but rather, “why are you sad?”  Maybe I haven’t focused enough on my sadness – really diving into it, reflecting on it.  Maybe I am taking too many steps forward trying to find my happiness. 

Jump into the fall.

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

via iwrotethisforyou

First, you need to relax. I know it’s not as warm as it once was but you get used to the cold and warmth can be found in the people around you. Secondly, do not get used to crying to get things. Some people never grow out of it. Avoid them. Spend time around people who smile in the face of despair. Learn from them all you can. Everyone is a lesson. A story. A unique and wondrous perspective on the chaos that is human existence. The more people you talk to, the more you understand it. But never speak if you have the opportunity to listen. Especially if you want someone to like you. There’s nothing you can say that’ll endear someone to you as much as really and truly listening to them. You are on day one of a sometimes remarkable, sometimes terrible, sometimes beautiful, strange and always completely unknown journey. Be ok with this. Worrying about what happens next will ruin the surprise. You will meet strange people along the way, some good, some bad. This is a pattern that will more than likely repeat constantly as you grow up. Some things will be good, some things will be bad. Neither will ever last forever. Nothing will stay the same. Appreciate every moment of happiness and remember it when you despair. Hold them close. And when you are happy, remember the moments of despair and think to yourself, “I told you so.” Never let someone else define you. You are your own creation and only you decide how you feel, who you are and what you want. This can be scary at first but it is liberating to truly and utterly embrace your own identity. People who hate you for not being like them are not worth hating back. Please, let go of hate whenever you can. Accept love whenever it is given and give it out freely. It is the most powerful force on earth.

Enjoy your stay.

bleh

okay, lets just force it out of me... i know its all in there somewhere; positive, encouraging, warm aspects of life that i have to look forward to - all despite fears, anxieties, worries, concerns, the battles, tears and long nights that will follow...

first off, i should start with practicum.  i will be starting a life changing practicum in september which will kick start my entire career.  well, that might be too much of an exaggeration, but i feel that i am going to learn SO much and i am going to learn from this site where it is i want to go in this field... DESPITE FEARS.

i have been having a lot of fun lately with the people ive been spending more time with.  i think its really good to have a strong support network of people who encourage my dreams and who have faith in me to become who/what i want.

hopefully starting a new job where i can make some quick cash if i become good at it.  i am so desperate for money, to be able to have the things i want and go the places i wish to go.  i want to be able to treat my friends and family to things and i want to be able to spend money without debating whether or not i should put that money towards something else; i dont want to always be checking my bank account with a nervous pit in my stomach for what ill find.  if i could get this job and have the courage to do well, i might be that much closer to what i really want in the world. 

volunteering - i havent started yet because i think its a poor decision to volunteer before i can work.  i can hardly afford to buy food and drive out of my neighborhood let alone spending money to drive into the city to volunteer and make no money.  once i start working i think ill be really excited to fill more time with volunteering.   i am panicking as i write this because i hate that right now im stuck with ZIP to do, but in a few weeks i will be busy and under the knife until december - why cant things ever feel right and balanced?  anyway, i enjoy volunteering and i am looking forward to when i can do that.

clint and i are going camping again soon which will be terrifying but hopefully mostly positive.  i suppose im looking forward to that.

i am hopeful that clint and i can take a mini-holiday together before school starts.  if not, we will definitely be going on a trip after november or december when school is finished.  if i can start working and make some quick money then maybe i can manage to budget enough for a trip in august.  oh boy i really hope so.

Summer To-Do

Okay everybody knows I have an issue with time; I have an issue with feeling like I cannot relax or enjoy the moment, and that every moment passes so quickly that I never get a break.  I don't know what to do and Ive just been told to "enjoy the moment," "try yoga for relaxation," and things of this nature.  I have always had a hard time relaxing and being able to clear the mind, so I think what I need to do is instead of trying to relax is make PLANS; Plans that I will look forward to, enjoy, and consider a memory.  I dont know if I will be able to afford to do these things... due to my recent ill-faded-attempts at getting a job... but I'm going to make a list anyways. 

SUMMER 2012 TO-DO

• Go floating down the river
• Walk through the river valley
• Go bike riding 
• Go mini-golfing
• Shoot a gun at the shooting range
• Go to the batting cages
• Dye my hair
• Spend an entire day outside
• Go to the lake/beach
• Write someone a letter
• Get to Folk Fest if I can find a ticket
• Go camping 
• Donate more clothing and furniture
• Buy a new wardrobe for work
• Make homemade pizza
• Make homemade lemon-aid
• Finish a book 
• Paint
• Go to hawrlak park or rundle park for paddle boating
• Volunteer for something
• Be scared, and be okay after

Hopefully by doing all/most of these things, I'll feel that summer was worthwhile and that I am rested enough to go back to school. 

i have been in pain a lot lately and feeling concerned that maybe this is just how life is going to be from now on - painful, wobbly, uncertain.  clint is very positive and hopeful that things will be better but im just not sure.  this week i am trying out a few different styles of yoga with one of my good friends, which i am hoping will make my body feel relief and relaxation. 

ive been unhappy with the lack of growth ive made lately and i think i need to hop to it... i want to get some counselling at the edmonton berievment center, or just at the community mental health building here in town.  either way, i feel like im not doing near the enough personal work that i should be; i dont really know what i should be working on specifically, but i know i have a hard time staying motivated and inspired - maybe someone could help me capture that energy again.

i, too, need to start things; i also need to finish things.

i dont feel i have accomplished enough, and i dont even know what my goals are anymore.  sometimes i have a breif blip of my dreams and what i want to be, but it seems reality has a way of stomping on what i dream; there was a time i did not let reality stomp on anything.  i need to make a goal list, and use all the skills i have to break down the goals into miniature achievable steps.

oh, to move forward

“We never want it to happen, but yet sometimes it does. Sometimes we lose the people we love, the people we believe we have to have to become the people we’re supposed to be. But here’s the thing; sometimes those people have already instilled in us everything we need to move forward, and we have done the rest. Because, after all, while we are products of our parents, we are also individuals…and you, my sweet Kailene, are a singular individual whose light shines brightly every single day…”

The Marriage Plot

“As he lay on the couch, he thought of his parents, those two planet-size beings who orbited his entire existence. And then he was off, back into the eternally recurring past. If you grew up in a house where you weren’t loved, you didn’t know there was an alternative. If you grew up with emotionally stunted parents, who were unhappy in their marriage and prone to visit that unhappiness on their children, you didn’t know they were doing this. It was just your life. If you had an accident, at the age of four, when you were supposed to be a big boy, and were later served a plate of feces at the dinner table— if you were told to eat it because you liked it, didn’t you, you must like it or you wouldn’t have so many accidents— you didn’t know that this wasn’t happening in other houses in your neighbourhood. If your father left your family, and disappeared, never to return, and your mother seemed to resent you, as you grew older, for being the same sex as your father, you had no one to turn to. In all these cases, the damage was done before you knew you were damaged. The worst part was that, as the years passed, these memories became, in the way you kept them a secret box in your head, taking them out every so often to turn them over and over, something like dear possessions. They were the key to your unhappiness. They were the evidence that life wasn’t fair. If you weren’t a lucky child, you didn’t know you weren’t lucky until you got older. And then it was all you ever thought about.”

Jeffrey Eugenides

oh, today.

my laptop is so close to dying but i have to write.  today was such an inspiring day, and i do not know entirely why.  i had a day off which is obviously a thing of beauty; i slept in like a champ; i drank a nice cold coffee beverage; i bought mustard-yellow shoes (which i encourage everyone to do); and im about to cook chicken and potatoes for dinner.  i had some good conversations about the prevalence of human slavery and prostitution in Canada and the US, and my friend and i discussed our love for mental health, pharmacology, and neurology as a whole.  my love for school will never go away - i have officially decided.  there is so much to learn, and so much to explore.  i really dont know what im going to be when i grow up, but i know i will always keep learning and probably always keep changing my mind with what i want to specialize in - ive got some ideas rolling around in my head, mostly relating to neurophysiology and the processes of the brain in regard to medications and chemical imbalances.  where i will end up with those interests is hard to say... but atleast ive got my textbooks close by until i decide.

need: 

• "Soft pink lipstick and peach petal gloss. By Revlon. Almost similar to MAC myth lipstick"
• three different coloured decorative bed pillows
• scrap book paper for the bookself
• wallflowers
• an abstract painting with outlandish colours... or natural colours
• floating shelves
• a hanging-coffee-mug-thing

strive, always

"Most importantly, if you can at all avoid it, don’t be normal. Strive, burn and do everything you can to avoid being the industry standard. Even the highest industry standard. Be greater than anything anyone else has ever dreamed of you. Don’t settle for pats on the back, salary increases, a nod-and-a-smile. Instead, rage against the tepidness of the mundane with every fiber of whatever makes you, you. Change this place.

Please, do that for me."

my new thing that i want to make...

but first, i still need to make that lemonade.  hot weather, welcome!

happiness is a choice

i have been really working on my inspiration lately, and my happiness too.  i was actually so worn out and low one day that i typed 'inspiration' into google and tried to find whatever it was i was hoping to find.  i came across a blog where someone had written how they too were struggling with inspiration, and feeling as though their creativity had be somehow lost or blocked; this writer had mentioned that perhaps one needs to create their own inspiration rather than looking for it or hoping to find it.  this sounded simple enough - i mean it had crossed my mind before that happiness, contentment and all things related are in my control.  but soon after reading that blog, and all other sources of information relating to inspiration that the internet provided me, i began to feel this urge in myself to do things differently.  primarily, i felt my mind encouraging me to break out of my routine, even trying something as simple as going to a new grocery store and trying a new coffee rather than my regular double-double.  i began to feel oddly satisfied.

i am kind of an odd person, sorting through my thoughts and feelings and not always understanding them.  for example, the other day i went to the library and the second i walked through the gigantic doorway, i smiled from ear to ear and couldnt wait to find the coziest chair to sit in so i could ponder everything around me and read my book.  i also felt overjoyed by the site of newspapers from various cities... i love reading news from the cities i've been in.  when i walked into the library, i found a sign for the coffee shop which read that employees were needed; i wanted to apply right away because ive always wanted to work in a coffee shop... for who knows what reason.  my brain told me not to and that i was too stupid to do such a thing; that i could never be good at it; that i would see people i know and they would see me failing at making coffee; and as a result i felt halted in my own path.  but, as i knew i was on a hunt for satisfaction, fullfillment, and inspiration, i politely told the negative, shitty side of my brain to shut it and i applied for the job.  about fifteen minutes later i was called, interviewed, and hired, and now ive worked two days and i love it.  my coworker is so sweet and quirky, and shes a red head... unnatural gingers, unite.

i also recently went to an art gallery by myself, the farmers market with an old friend where i bought the best bookmark for the heartwrenching memoir im currently reading, and to the hippest restaurant with another friend where there are about 67 different kinds of beer to try.  i want to go back to the farmers market this week so i can buy a ruhbarb strawberry pie, and maybe this new organic wine i came across.  this past weekend, my best friend and i went garage sale-ing with a couple cups of coffee, then came home to hang some curtains and drink beers on the driveway.  all in all, i have actually had such a good week and i get nervous admitting it - the negative (and mean) parts of my brain seem so much stronger than the other parts that want to enjoy life.  but i am trying to smother the mean part in so much happiness and resliency  that one day the mean parts will just drift away.

tomorrow is another day of work, which means another day of actually getting out of bed and making something of myself which is good.  i dont get paid much at all, but i keep telling myself it doesnt matter... at least for now... because im making more money there than i am sitting at home on the couch, and if i am still getting joy from the coffee shop then i should stay because joy is what i need. this weekend my cousin is turning 18 and he is coming to town to celebrate; clint and i are going to go out with him and its gonna be so much fun.  on wednesday, i am hoping to go back to the farmers market (as i said) and im planning to see my friend joey soon to catch up on the last couple months.  also, when i get paid im going to plant my garden again; oh boy i just love flowers...

"the true test of character isn't how you are on your best days;

 

it's how you are on your worst days"

recipe

perhaps i can give this one a shot... especially since this weekend is supposed to be a warm one

Ingredients

• 1 cup sugar (can reduce to 3/4 cup)
• 1 cup water (for the simple syrup)
• 1 cup lemon juice
• 3 to 4 cups cold water (to dilute)

Method

1 Make simple syrup by heating the sugar and water in a small saucepan until the sugar is dissolved completely.
2 While the sugar is dissolving, use a juicer to extract the juice from 4 to 6 lemons, enough for one cup of juice.
3 Add the juice and the sugar water to a pitcher. Add 3 to 4 cups of cold water, more or less to the desired strength. Refrigerate 30 to 40 minutes. If the lemonade is a little sweet for your taste, add a little more straight lemon juice to it.
Serve with ice, sliced lemons.

i want to make lemonade, and i want to paint more mugs.  is lemonade a thing you can make from scratch?  if so, i want to.  my cookies turned out pretty good - not great, but pretty good for my first batch ever. 

recipe

perhaps this recipe will do... mmm classic shortbread

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/melt---in---your---mouth-shortbread/detail.aspx

to do

something i reaaaally, really want to do... make shortbread cookies.  if i'm not going to work, then i've got tons of time to bake.  i hate baking, but i love shortbread cookies.  i think i'll do it tomorrow. 

ps, day one of my 30 day challenge is off to a good start.  i went for my morning walk, and i've got my interview today with the john howard society which is probably where my picture-of-the-day will come in;  thank-you cards and stretches will be done before bed; i still need to give a compliment and drink water.  one step at a time.

update

something i reaaaaaaaaaaally want to add into my routine, is starting each day with a walk.  i walked every morning in medicine hat, because i had to walk to school each day.  i loved it.  it will be hard to do at home, especially because i don't have any motivation to leave the house at this point.  but, i feel that a walk every morning might be one of the best things for me... which is probably the reason why it won't be easy. 

onward and upward

i have decided that i need to do something different, i dont really know what yet but something.  i would like to do a 30 day challenge of some kind, but i think it will be a challenge that i need to make up myself. or at least edit myself.  i have compiled some ideas through a variety of 30 day chellenges i've read, and i think that following through on these ideas will be good for me; as i've read, our brains love routine.  at Aventa, we taught the women routine and habits in order to guide them in their recovery and sobriety; i am a believer that routine can help certain people maintain stability and mental health, both of which i could improve on.

i read on a website that 30 day challenges can work to either help one achieve something, or help one build a new habit.  according to the website, achieving something would be like aiming to have something completed after 30 days, and forming a new habit or breaking an old one would be the other option.  as for myself, i would like to set a goal to achieve something after 30 days... but i don't really know right now what that could be.  as for forming new habits, or getting myself into a new routine, my list for 30 days will include some aspects of the following:

1. drink at least three glasses of water a day (i know that's not really very much, but i hardly drink water at all unless i'm sick, so three is a great step)
2. make my bed every morning (i already do this, so it's not really a new challenge, but i think it's important that i continue.  we taught our clients at Aventa that the first thing you do in the morning is make your bed, because in recovery we believe that the way you set your bed is the way your day will be)
3. take a picture of something everyday (my instagram is about to get really annoying.  i am a huge fan of taking pictures and i know i have stopped doing it lately - i do not know why.  i dont know exactly what i will take pictures of, but just so long as i have one picture for every day of the 30 days.  i also don't know what this will achieve or how it will make me feel, but again, maybe the routine will be comfort and satisfaction enough in itself)
4. don't swear (really, i doubt i can do this.  but i am going to try)
5. spend at least an hour a day outside (an hour doesn't seem like much, and really i should be spending at least 4 hours outside probably.  i know that being outside is really positive for me mentally, but i get myself in these depressive cycles where i am bored and sad with life so i stay in, and then i keep staying in because i become increasingly bored and sad.  it makes no sense, and it's self-sabotaging, and i know better than that.  therefore, outside it is)
6. write out a thank-you card for one thing each day that i am thankful for (i was writing out a gratitude list every night of 10 things each day i was thankful for.  the catch was that the 10 things could never be the same as something id already written.  i think i needed to write the lists for longer for them to really impact me - i hear sometimes it can take up to 6 months or longer for those rtituals to really sink in.  i am hopeful that listing one aspect of each day will be more direct and perhaps more impactful)
7. give someone a compliment (providing service is what keeps us all going; i know that it makes me feel good if i can help someone else or make another person feel good)
8. stretch every night before bed time (my muscles need as much help as they can get, and i dont know if stretching will really change my life that much - but why not see what happens after 30 days.  here we go, flexibility!)

after 30 days, something i feel i might like to have achieved is having better balance.  my weakness has caused my balance to be nonexistant, and even balancing on a bike has proven difficult.  i am hopeful that maybe after biking every few days, that i will notice a difference in my ability to balance and hold myself - this seems like a long haul with a big question mark at the end.  if it doesnt work, then it doesnt work - i will try something new. 

off to the bookstore

thinking.

i felt today as if i was meant to read "oh, the places you'll go!" by dr. suess.  my roommate told me about it once, and i felt as if it were to die for.  today, i walked around being hazy and discouraged and i ran right into this book, for the very first time.  i read it as i stood in the bookstore with random people walking around, front to back.  i didn't buy it, but i feel i was meant to read it; i feel i am meant to own it, eventually.

i also found books on peace and appreciating more in the world than consumeristic aspects.  i didn't buy any of the books, but i went in search of meaning and i think i found it.  however, the meaning has yet to set in.

reminder

starve the ego, feed the soul

I have a lot to do tomorrow. At least... There's a lot I should do. Tonight was really fun because I spent time with my Clinton and my dad. I'm hoping my good mood from tonight can carry over to tomorrow so I can be motivated and accomplish things. -unpack boxes and bedroom downstairs -look for new chair covers -refill birth control (true) -go through and donate (hopefully) some clothes -apply for more jobs -garden -CALL SHAW! And whatever else I am forgetting.

Tuesday.

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place, the only time I feel safe

i bought my very first bookshelf and i'm pretty fricken in love with it; it's just a piece of junk, the pieces aren't even cut evenly and some parts aren't painted either.  but it's okay - it has character, and i'll just colour in the unpainted pieces with permanent marker... let's be honest. 

i need to get my shit together, more, and find a job... any job at this point.  i have applied for many, with no luck, so i've gotta start looking again.  i feel sad that even having an education hasn't helped me to get a job any easier than without an education, but maybe i just need to give myself more time.

i went out yesterday and really just splurged on myself.  well, not really on myself at all to be honest... on my home.  i bought new things for the bathroom to make it look a bit more vamped up, and some nice smelling soap and whatnot.  i bought myself some rings and earrings which i love, so that was nice, but i really just love my bookshelf - i've wanted one for a long time.  i think my mom would like what i have done with it.

i am going to see my dad again today.  i love being home so that i can see my dad.  we are going to unpack some of my stuff from the house that is in storage, and then clint and i will have to find a place for it.  it should be fun but also a lot of work. that's okay though.

i am suddenly feeling overwhelmed as shit, what with practicum still being up in the air, me having no job yet, still needing to improve my health, and having a grumbly stomach... i need to remember to keep myself in the moment rather than worrying myself over things that are in the future; things that are out of my control during this moment. breathe...

my inspiration for today (thanks to julie):

website i'm currently obsessing over: http://www.laurenconrad.com/ - beauty, healthy eating, going-green...

You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the nighttime fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over, you're the start
You're my head and you're my heart

i am sitting here listening to the "alternative rock" music channel, which is my most recent obsession.  i love listening to music that has meaning behind the words that are said, music that i've never heard or felt before.  i have really lost music in my life lately, and i know that it's about time i bring it back.  my personal favourite at this moment: The Grand Optimist by the truly lovely, City and Colour.

i have been spending lots of time wondering about who i am and where i am supposed to be.  but, have i ever really stopped with those thoughts? no - i wonder all the time, everyday, and i question almost everything.  i have been doubting myself a lot lately, feeling as though i'm destined to become my mother, or some version of her that i won't be satisfied with.  i want to break the mold - people become their parents every day and i cringe every time i see it.  society astounds me, with the true lack of personal awareness, accountability, responsibility and growth that people refuse to work towards.  i have put in too much effort, too many tears, and too many kilometers away from my loved ones to stop my growth now.  but, as it remains, i have not decided yet where to go from here.

however, i must say i am dating the best person that could ever come into my life.  we have been through so much in a relatively short time, and im so thankful that he was willing to try, and wait, and be the optimist in this relationship that we so needed.  i am amazed that even after two years, i cant wait for him to come home from work; he is still my favourite person to spend time with; i go to him for everything; and that he can still make me laugh until i cry.  the other night, he and i spent a good half an hour or an hour just laughing and poking fun at each other late into the night, and i am so happy that i am the one who can share in those moments with him.

i feel that i need to write more... again.  writing used to help me feel better, but i've stopped writing a lot this year so ive really forgotten how beneficial it can be.  mind you, there are a few things on my list of healthier-to-dos...

• stretch more often
• drink more water, more often
• get "slippery elm tea" and digestive pills

lately, ive been spending most of my time being a housewife, really: cleaning house, doing laundry, decorating, unpacking, reorganizing.  it's been good, relaxing for the most part.  however i cant help but feel discouraged because i havent been called back for any jobs, which is disheartening after going to school to get an education that will get me a job... maybe i'm not meant to have a job right now? i don't know.  that's what i'm telling myself.  i've applied to about four or five places, and even inquired about shadowing or volunteering at others with no call backs.  well, i got one call back with an interview but no calls since.  i am trying to stay positive, just enjoying being home and relaxing before working really takes off.  i guess i just have to wait and see where life takes me, again.

one week at a time

i have been thinking a lot - but what else is new.  it has been snowing all day, and in theory, i should be able to say that it looks so pretty outside; in theory, i should be able to say that i'm happy to have spent all saturday and all sunday watching sex and the city, the oscars, 10 things i hate about you, whose line is it anyway, beading bracelets and laughing with the roomies; in theory i should also be able to say that i feel well rested after finishing my homework friday night and being able to sleep in saturday and sunday.  i should be enjoying so many things - my roommates make me laugh so hard and they have both done so much for me.  i just can't help but feel like i am ready to be home, i want to have my house and decorate it every day and clean it, and i want to be near everyone i love.  i miss my dad and i miss being able to swing by my brother's house; i miss the small, inconvenient mall in town that never has anything i want; i miss walking everywhere because we live so close to anything important; i miss the window in our living room and the sound of the cars on the main road behind our house. 

i used to want this career so much because it was about me and only me.  now, my life has become about more than just myself - is this wrong?  i cannot decide.  i used to be driven because i was only looking into my future as myself and what i wanted for me, and as time has gone on i have started considering my future with the people who will also be involved.  i am not the type to want to keep running - i used to be.  that is the epitome of what is going on here - i used to want to run, i never wanted to stay in one place.  now, i have someone that i love, someone i already have a future with.  i have a realization that certain family members are not always going to be around forever, but education is.  i have begun to accept that dreams change, and sometimes things are not what you thought they were going to be.

i don't know how healthy i'll be be for how long, i don't know where i'm really supposed to end up or what i'm supposed to be doing - but that's nothing new.   for now, let's make it through another week.  i am ready for home - it feels like it will never come, but i have this sneaking suspicion that it will.

i feel like everything should feel wonderful, because everything is.  but it doesn't.  i have been searching and searching and crying, trying to find my place again in the world.  i travel back in forth and find love and hugs and i feel better for a while, but anxieties of life always come back.  i live with funny people, and i work with smart people, and i live a travelled life that many only dream of.  but i am off, and longing for satisfaction in all these places.  i do not have a lot more words to share, the same that i do not have a lot of energy to think of words that i could share.  things are not as bad as i make them out to be.

isn't it amazing?

Goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Take apart your head,
take apart the counting,
and the flock it has bred.

good morning people in the world.

i havent written for a really long time - over a month even.  since i last wrote i've moved, again, but this time to calgary for work.  work has been good, i really like getting to know my clients and i feel like a professional every day.  the place im living at is okay, it has some great aspects and some shitty aspects... i was gonna look for a new place to live this weekend, but like everything else i say i'll do, it never happened.

i have been having a really rough time this semester... well, this whole school year it feels like.  i am failing school right now, but moving up slowly which is great.  i feel i am unable to keep up with the demands and expectations of life all of a sudden - i am exhusted when anyone expects anything of me, even the people i love.  i am hurting the people closests to me.  at least, i know i am hurting one.  maybe i am just thinking the world revolves around me again, and maybe i am not really hurting other people?  i must be hurting them - i always cancel on my friends, and i am constantly saying i'll do things that i know i wont do.  i dont know when i started doing that.  i told clint i do it because of two reasons: one, the things i say i'll do are the things i want to do, in theory, because i wish i was that person who does those things.  two: i dont think people will like me if i am the way i am.  i dont know why i think that, but i carry it around.

i am conmtinuing to take responsibility for being a shitty friend... i really am.  i have been calling my friends way more often to keep in touch and i saw some of them this weekend which was really nice.  next up is to start saying what i mean, and doing what i say im gonna do - it is harder for me than you might think.  i am bored yet too unmotiavted to change it.  i might be becomimg my mother.