petty and trivial

i am finally home, finally snuggled up to where i am supposed to be with who i am supposed to be with.  i know i am meant to go away again, to find the life i am probably meant to have; however i still find myself debating between what i really feel or want.  i am supposed to enjoy the small things in life, and relax and laugh and fly by the seat of my pants, but those things seem to become more distant as each day passes.  some days are better than others, and there are usually some parts of every day that are better than other parts, but i still look at other people and wonder how they do it - how do they enjoy walking, enjoy the snow, enjoy relaxing inside with a movie?  i dont remember how to enjoy those things in the same way that i used to, and i am confused and sad about it a lot of the time.  but, i am trying - we are trying together - and i hope that one day everything will click, everything will make sense.

" not all who wander are lost"

divided & smiling

"Now I’m just trying to convince myself that it’s all worth it. And, it is. I’m learning a lot about reading and writing, allowing me more awareness of my passion. As I look to my right, I see my tall, full bookshelf and I think about how many words are approximately in that small space. How much inspiration. All the passion, love, tears, hate, sadness, heartbreak, violence.. it all fits in those books, which are stacked on a shelf, which are situated in a room, in a house, in a city, in a world, in a universe. And all those words, and all those souls, won’t be read by all, but have the ability to convince and move me. Words. That’s why it’s worth it."
hlsc passion

"I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street and even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.”
falling in love

it was my heart on the line

"There are different kinds of lonely. Some people are lonely because they are awkward or shy or just because they are going through a hard time. On the other hand, some people are lonely because they find company inside their head, in their thoughts and feelings and daydreams"

i cannot connect to people because of something i am missing, something that needs to grow.  everytime i feel like that part is growing, things change again.  i am learning slowly, and everything is good and everyone is loved,  but i am still learning.

acoustic for the win

with a little poison, we can burn this old place down

to the ground, again

today was a big day - school wise, profession wise, and emotions wise.  my friend posted this photo to my facebook and it was one of those photos where i thought "oh wow... this picture was given to me today for a reason."  i am trying to take note of all the special things that happen throughout my day, and this photo was one of them.  the picture reads:

"having a rough morning? place your hand over your heart.  feel that? that's called purpose.  you're alive for a reason.  don't give up."

i can't let myself get where you are.

fuck.  it's just time for something new.  i can't keep doing this to myself, and people can't keep hearing it.  things are better than i make them out to be - they must be.  yes, some things are hard, some people are missed, and sometimes i need to cry.  but i need to see the good, some how - i don't know how, it's very difficult for me.  but i have seen the good before, and i really really miss it.  something has to change, some how.  i need to try, harder than i've been tying.  sometimes i wonder that i secretly like feeling shitty.  why would someone ever like that?  i have no frackin idea.  i think im just so used to it that it feels natural... not thta i actually like it.  that makes more sense.  but i dont want it to feel natural anymore.  i want to feel different.  i want to feel better, capable, adequate.  i need those things. 

take one, every day

i love this
we could all use a bit of help

i have been thinking a lot lately about what i want or where i think i should be.  i realize a lot of things about myself when i'm here and i wish i could fix everything at once.  i realize i want so many things but when those thigns are mine i don't see value in them.  for example, all my friends talk about how theyre enjoying lounging around on the weekends and going for breakfast and going to the mall... or whatever theyre doing.  when they say this to me, i want it. i wish i was them doing what theyre doing.  but then when i do get to do those things, i'm bored quickly.  i don't know why that is.  i feel like an ungreatful SOB and i don't know how to overcome that... i don't know how to appreciate things when theyre mine.
i can't decide what i'm meant for in the world.  i wanna do this work because i love it and i'm driven towards it, yet sometimes i feel i'll have to sacrifice so much for it.  life is this weird thing to me, i can't figure out how to make life be the way i think it should be. 

 

if you were me, you'd do it too.

last saturday was the best ever.  no schedule, no time line, just 4 friends being friends and doing whatever they wanted.  i miss days like that so much.  it was so free, and relaxing, and everyone was happy.  i miss it a lot.  that's my kind of fun, my kind of company. xoxoxo to the bbbeeesssttt people. lots more hugs&kisses to my love! (hello)

5 more weeks 5 more weeks 5 more weeks

gotta do a lil CBT over here... one thing at a time.
good thing i got my log-buddy (shout out to k-PARKS, girl)

stage one task two

i think i know the real problem.  it's that without this program, i have nothing.  and i practically feel like nothing.  without some education or letters behind my name, i will have nothing.  i can never have success.  this stupid disability holds me back so much that without education i am useless to everyone.  i want to have kids and be a stay at home mom, but i want to make money and contribute to my house and my family and invest in the future before i stay home with my kids.  i see nothing wrong with being at home with my kids and not working, but i need to work before that because my husband will deserve my contribution and i want to make things happen for myself - trips and gifts and decorating and renovations, i want to make those happen myself, i want to be able to support myself.  physically, i am incapable.  thus, all i have is my mind, my ability to try to learn as much as i can.  if i give up on this program, i am giving up on any chance i have.  that is the fear.  that is the problem.  without this program, i will have nothing to my name.

i struggle to find the meaning in all of this.  how much of this is really necessary?  i don't mean to bitch or be mean or anything like that.  i am passed enjoying any of this, and in some ways i am passed enjoying anything, but that might have happened a long time ago.  when it rains, it pours and i cannot see passed any of this right now.  maybe i don't know how to cope or deal with things.  or maybe everyone has their own point that should not be pushed.  i am struggling to feel that there is a reasonable outcome from all of this.  i am boardering on no longer wanting this, if this is how it's going to be.  i have dealt with enough struggle and tears for a person of my age, and i did not get into this to face more.  sometimes enough is just enough and too much really becomes too much.  i am only one person.  one, tiny person. 

 

"have you come to terms with the fact that you've got a disability?"

is there a reason for this, somewhere?  

sleeping sickness

everything sucks.  i am getting nothing done, i am getting no where.  it feels like all i do lately is cry.  i wrote once that "i forgot how heavy the world could feel" but i feel it more and more now - like there is no light, no fix.  not anymore.
but im still trying to hope there is, somewhere.

things used to feel right.

today is not my day

even though we change, and we're all finding our own place in the world, 

we alll know, that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face,

we'll come to each other...

because no matter where this crazy world takes us,

nothing will ever change so much to the point that we are not friends.

"i don't know where i'm going from here, but i promise it won't be boring"

 

i set fire to the rain 

fields of gold

my morning duster.

i have a hate-on for october.  it's going to be one of the most stressful months of my life, i can already tell. it's hard to stay focused only on today because there's so much to be done, but i'm working on it.  i'm trying to enjoy the little things amongst all the big intimidating things, which is proving difficult as well.  like this morning, i woke up with that butterfly-anxious-excited-but-i-don't-know-why feeling again.  i think i just want to do so well, and underneath all the stress and panic and tears is the determination for something good.  i don't feel ready for work in january, but maybe after this semester pushes me i'll be ready.  everyone else before me has done this, so i should be able to as well, right?

little joys: this nail polish that my roommate let me borrow (thnx kira, best colour ever!)
the moustache mugs kira and i have been painting, which have proven quite the hit... otherwise now known as Morning Dusters - or Early Morning Dusters depening when you wake up.

thanksgiving and home in 5 days!

new matching pj pants for the roomies

this cd i just ripped to my computer which i have never listened to

MY CAT

knowing that i get to kiss&hug my love soon 

it's an uphill battle.

the world breaks everyone
and afterwards,
many are strong at the broken places

stress

i just want to enjoy the little things again.

make it stop

i have been too busy for writing, too busy for anything - practically too busy for the things i'm supposed to keep busy doing.  i only recently just got around to painting my nails, which is huge for me... sounds a bit trivial, but oh well.  i'm currently working on about 3 journals a week, a reflection paper on an N.A. meeting i went to, an alcohol prevention poster, an annotation, and a presentation on values clarification.  i also have to facilitate group in 2 weeks which i'm excited for, but not near ready.  i have to start my gambling paper soon, and i already took out enough books for it, thankfully.  tomorrow we've all got suicide prevention all day, as well as saturday - long days.  actually, this whole week has been super fracken long.  yesterday i was at the college from 8 am till about 7 pm, and today i've been in and out of the college since 10 am, also going to the gym and to walmart and then back to the college again until 830 tonight.  anyways, whatever, it doesn't really matter; people have long days all the time.  but this whole year is going to be long and i'm honestly already ready to call it quits.  being pushed and pushed and pushed has it's positives i guess, but i'm not feelin' 'em yet... i can hardly fit time in for anything anymore, including my classes.  like really, how does time melt away so fast?  my head hurts often and i don't sleep as much as i'd like to.  i've kept up in eating pretty well which is an improvement for me, but still, i'm lacking in other areas and it's slowing my progress.  gah, i'm ready for a break already!

spread hope like fire

i have a hard time with people who speak above me; people who talk as though what they are saying is superior over what i have to say.  in turn, this leads me to refrain from talking about myself.  isn't that backwards?  i don't want to compete to hear my own voice, and i don't want to feel as though what i have to say isn't important by having it pounded down by someone else.  i'm saying this as though i'm really offended right now, which i'm not, i just have become so aware of people doing this to other people.  but now i can't decide what's appropriate to do in this kind of situation:  do i just get louder and louder until my point is made or my voice is acknowledged?  do i smile and nod and let the "conversation" go the way it will, thereby rarely sharing my own opinion?  when is it safe to blurt when i want to blurt, be blunt if i feel the need, defend my points, or likewise?  i don't know when/where is safe to say what i truly want to say; i don't know when i'm being rude or talking more than necessary.  i'm confused by the whole thing:  leave the power of conversation in other people? let them ask me and only then do i speak?  is that the most polite thing i can do?  holy crap, personal awareness.

"say what you think, not what you think you should say"

What I learned today:  I really have grown up.
Thank you.

"if you're sick of starting over, you have to stop quitting"

I haven't written for so long.  So much was going on before I moved back for school, and I didn't have much time to write.  But there were also times where nothing at all was going on, and I didn't make time to write either... because I wanted to spend the rest of my time at home, focusing completely on my love, on my kitties, on my dad, brothers and friends; I decided that I would have all the time in the world to write when I was far away from them...

I was busy at a Human Trafficking event called Ignite the Road to Justice.  It was great!  I got to volunteer with my cousins, one of whom put the entire event together... fantastic.  Many people came out and together we raised awareness about Human Trafficking and vowed to put an end to it as a team.

I also started volunteering with Hope Mission, helping the homeless and addicted population on the streets... it is now one of my most favourite places.  I love the ladies that came in, big and small, drunk and high, prostituting and homeless... they are all people before the things they are going through.  I don't know what it is about these kinds of people who face these kinds of problems... they are who I want to be around; they are who make me comfortable.  We gave them food and water if they wanted, shampoo and a towel if they wanted, clothes if they needed, and a blanket for sleeping.  That's all.  Not a whole lot to me, but tons to them.  Sometimes fights would happen, or people would make a mess or someone would scream, but it was a great place to be.  I really enjoyed the men's ward too - I think I'd rather work with men one day... but today, the women's side was just perfect.

I also finished all my packing from Clinton's and most of my packing from Dad's... I don't know if I could have spent more time there packing anyways, so maybe it was good I didn't really have many days left.  I'm trusting mostly everything with my brother because there were a lot of little things I didn't get to go through.  Things will be so different when I go home for Thanksgiving, and even more so at Christmas.  I believe change is a good thing, but until I am adjusted... I will hate it.  I love my cats so much and I hate that I have to give them away.  I have (almost) never hated anything more.  My cat is like a person in my life... because I am a weird cat lady and if I could have 7 of my cat I would.  But I can't, and when she's gone I will cry like a sissy child and probably bitch about it for 3 sessions in counselling.  But as I said, change is good...

I'm back at school now and it's almost as if I never even left; I feel more like I went away for the weekend or something.  I guess I spend like 75% of my time here, so maybe it's not totally off the wall that I feel as though I have always been here... but I miss living with my Clinton.  It's so hard to decide where your home is, when you spend vast amounts of time in one space but the people you love are somwhere else. Oh well.  I want to be where Clint is, so I think whereever we can be together will be Home enough for the both of us.

I find myself wondering a lot lately about what Mom would think of this all; my school, my love, my life.  I don't know what she would think.  As a Mom, she would probably just be happy that I am happy, but I still want to know her opinion just as a person.  Things would be a lot different if she were around.

"the only people for me are the mad ones"

totally trying this.
also, the DIY dry erase board works, but you need to use a cleaner,
and the sushi pb&j is fabulous! AND fun :)

breathe

i want to do this:
"Easy DIY dry-erase board. All you need is a picture frame with glass, some pretty scrapbook paper, and erasable markers."

also... pb&j sushi :) :) :):) we need this!

 

things have been really tough lately... just a lot of ups and downs.  so much has gone on all of a sudden and now i feel that time has been lost.  i've stopped reading because i've started working a lot and i've got to pack like three times the amount as previously planned.  i  will also probably be having to say goodbye to my kitties, which kills me the most.  pets are really something special.  i'll never get another cat, because mine was the best.  well, both of them are the best.  

IGNITE THE ROAD TO JUSTICE has started in the west and it'll be here on thursday!  this is one positive occurance at this time... fight human trafficking!!! fight it fight it fight it!!!

lastly, tomorrow my hair will be redredred again. yyyyeeeesss :) :) my favourite.  and clinton bought me new uggs which i also LOVE... might need to go back and get another pair in another colour hehehe... hopefully i'll have enough room for them when i get rid of all the stuff i'm getting rid of.  why do i move so much?  moving has it's positives and it's experiences, but sometimes i just want a place to stay; a place to be.  clint's right:  i need to try to find something more positive in this. 

small joys in life:
good smelling soap.
this:  "Single Serving Ready to Eat Cookie Dough Recipe: 1 tbsp Milk, 3 tbsp Flour, 2 tbsp Sugar (white or brown), 1 1/2 tbsp Butter, splash of vanilla extract & as many Chocolate Chips as you want!"
and this:  link: a hot chocolate bar on a cold day

beautiful people do not just happen

my love will be home soon!!!... so will clint ;) ;) ;) (hehehe just kidding dear)  the boys left me this weekend for a weekend of biking and camping and eating hot dogs... no girls allowed!  so, i had the whole house to myself :)  this was GREAT!!!  until bed time came and i realized that id be tucking myself into that big queen bed and locking all the doors (even my bedroom door...) because i'm so scared of being alone.  i don't mean that i'm so unstable mentally i cannot be by myself, i mean strictly that i can't live by myself.  i always assumed this, but now it's confirmed.  maybe a little apartment of my own would be different, because it wouldn't be a 3 bedroom house with a sliding door for creepos to look in.  actually, maybe an apartment would have a sliding door.  i'm getting off topic; i don't want to live alone.  however, i'll probably have to in january, so i better start changing my mind. 

onto something a little more important to myself but more than likely trivial to everyone else: i bought new rings today.  i need to start wearing my rings again.  i stopped before, but i don't know why.  it might have been because of work, maybe it was just because most of my rings were mom's rings; maybe i was feeling too much like mom suddenly - not that i don't want to be like mom, but i find it more important to find who i am first... again.  anyways, now that i've started buying my own rings again, i think i might have enough to fill up 7 or 8 fingers at a time.  i love that. 

things that make you go HMMMM:
1.  london fogs are not for me.  i feel out of place in society.
2.  "dammit i'm mad" is "dammit i'm mad" spelled backwards.
3.  WD40 removes crayons from just about any surface. 
4. some neat and creative ideas i hope to put into action for myself:
     a. link: jewelry photo frame
     b. link: sideways file folder
     c. link: mr and mrs mugs
     d. link: milk and cookie cocktails YUMMMMM
     e. link: braids all around! 

"if a bird can sing with a broken wing, you will learn to bend when the wind blows"

Hafiz

 "even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me.'

 

look what happens with a love like that,

it lights the whole sky."

this is how my weary heart stays alive: i'm still a dreamer
love and i bought a couch together!  i was gonna buy this super old, super green, super tacky chair to read in... for 5 dollars.  but when clint saw it i think his eyes almost fell out.  so instead, we found a really cute green (a better green... more easy on the eyes) love-seat!  i think it's leather too.  i love green.  also our curtains are red so the couch will compliment them verrrry well.

i refuse to watch jersey shore from now on.  that show needs to die.  i think i feel that way about a lot of tv lately... people need to stop fighting.  and other people need to stop being so fascinated with fighting.  whether it be watching fighting on tv, gossiping about who's fighting/arguing, and doing your own personal fighting.  HUGS AND HIGH FIVES PEOPLE, HUGS AND HIGH FIVES.  

i made lots of money, and then lost is all twelve hours later at the dentist.  my entire paycheck to my dentist?... but don't worry, they tell me my teeth are just great.  huh?

things to do:
cut up some shirts and pants
buy a water filter thing
go to emma's and james's
get a new bed set
call kim???... yes!
some how manage to make a million dollars in like 25 days.  okay go.
listen to more of this music 

i bought this tshirt today for 11 dollars.  it's green which i love.  i just love nature and natural colours and i'm so inspired by it all the time... i don't know why.  my cousin and i have talked about this before because we both feel the same; we need to be near windows; near sun or rain or any kind of weather; we both need to breathe in the day the very second we wake up.  i almost bought some bangels (spelling?) today that were a mixture of green, orange, brown and... gold or something which i loved, but i'm so broke i cannot even justify it at all.  anyway yeah, nature is my friend.  nature was mom's friend too.  that's one reason i love where i go to school: the nature.  i'm outside at least 5 times a day, always walking.  sometimes my hair suffers the consequences, but i feel rejuvinated even with frizzy hair.  lastly, today was awesome because my eyebrows were fabulous looking.  fab-u-lous. 

motha t.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

31 days left

link: i lost the ground beneath me

i feel i need to change so much.  not that a whole lot is wrong with me, but as my highschool foods teacher used to scream at us (in an ever-so polite way): "the biggest room is the room for improvement."  i will never forget.  things can't always be perfect all the time, but oh do i wish they could be.  i don't know what life will be like in a year from now, but i am trying to only hope for the best;  i am trying to only hope. 

one month until life gives me a twist once again.  i don't know entirely how i feel about it.  i know when fall comes, and the leaves turn red and come to the ground, and it's chilly out and i put my scarf on, i will be ready for classes.  maybe not willing or able (ha! some HLSC humour...) but ready nonetheless.  however, i will miss my love;  i will miss his face in the morning and his hugs before our days begin.  i will miss coming home to him everyday and sharing in everything that's happened, face to face.  i will miss kisses and eating dinner together, walking together, and learning new things side by side.  but i am greatful for the phone, and for skype, and for the good ol' fashioned mail box... but somedays, i will just want his face next to mine.

dad and brother are so lovely and it was good to see thenm;  i haven't visted with them a whole lot lately and i feel bad.  but i have a life here now too... which to choose?  i will miss them.

it's hailing and my love is cold and wet.  it's my job to feed him and keep him warm for now... so i'm off!

i've spent my morning curled up in a blanket by a window covered in rain, with a cup of my favourite direct trade coffee, reading this book which i have to read for school.  it's the longest book in the whole world with the smallest letters.  but i'm only 28 pages in and i've already learned so much... HLSC has that power over me.  regardless of how much i've learned, and how much i may really enjoy it, i have less than no chance of finishing the whole thing before classes start, so i've gotta start skim reading soon. 

clint and i bought our little shitwagon last night.  well, really clint just bought it for now.  i can't pay him yet, but i will.  it's our car together so i am paying for it too... duhhhhh!  it's so cute, but so dirty.  who even sells a car like that?  really?  talk about having no respect for anyone.  i would never sell a car in that condition.  at least wash a window or two, and also filling up the gas tank so it's not below empty could be a nice start... but hey, it's ours now, and we'll love it more than it seems it has been loved for the passed little bit...

i don't have a whole lot else on my brain today.  i work a lot this week which is so good... thank the working gods!   i still need to find something to volunteer for... i have some hours, but i don't have the committment that i think bev is looking for.  hmm what to do, what to do.  with this gigantic book and working it seems i don't really have much time anymore anyways.  but i've got to try, i've got to to do something!  thankfully i get to help out with callie's Ignite the Road to Justice (hopefully) which will be a fantastic event!  whether i get to volunteer for her or not.

also, i need highlighters.

" 'There are stories of people coming to the Buddha, and saying, ‘I am leaving your teaching because you have not told me about whether there is a life after death, or whether there is another world.’ And the Buddha says, ‘Did I ever say that I would give you the answers to these things?’ ‘No, you didn’t.’ ‘Why do you think that I ever said that I would give you the answer to these things? Because these are not the things that you need to know. The thing that you need to know is how to deal with suffering, because at this very moment, what made you ask that question was suffering.’ "

keep changing the world

it's bright and sunny out today, and very warm - i can already tell.  i'm drinking coffee though, so maybe that's throwing me off.  but mmm mmm mmm, do i love this coffee.  i decided that i'm going to try to only ever drink coffee that is fair trade or direct trade.  i can't really stop buying clothing, and i can't really stop buying food either, and i don't make enough money to make any promises that i'll always buy expensive clothing (thus no slavory... in theory) or organic food.  fair trade coffee is only a small piece of the puzzle, but it's still a piece.  i tried this out over the weekend, and so far i've been successful.  i'll have to try not to beat myself up too hard when it's exam time at school and i'm dying for a coffee from the caf... might need a little forgiveness, too.

i had a dream i met one of my new roommates.  she was the best roommate ever.  when we initially met, in my dream of course, she said "there is just one thing about me that you must know:  i need to recycle, i love recycling and it's the one thing i'm a stickler about with my roommates."  best friends!  i was so happy.

last weekened, we were faced with some drama... this person in our lives is badly addicted to crack and who knows if anything else.  this person has become frail and weak, and i'm thinking probably taking part in what is known as "coke runs" - i believe that's the name of it;  when a person lives in a cycle of "get money for the drug, chase the drug, find the drug, use the drug, come down, get money for the drug etc etc" which takes hours... the using part takes maybe one.  thankfully this person should finally be off to rehab as we speak... but sometimes we, the onlookers, become immune to this sort of thing.  basically, we'll believe this person is in rehab when we see that this person is in rehab.  until then, life continues. but it's hard.

clint and i walked to the movie theatre last night.  it was so good to finally just be with him, walking by ourselves and enjoying being outside together.  yes yes i know: we live together.  and even being alone in the house should saffice, right?  not really.  it feels like clint and i bond more when we are walking together, holding hands and just watching the road beneath us. we can talk all we want at home, but there's something different about leaving the house and being together.  just something.  anyways, it was nice.  i almost collapsed as usual, which made me grumpy as usual.  i'm like an obese person in a skinny person's body.  but clint helped, again, as usual.  he's special.

i miss rupert.  he died and we don't know why; maybe a little mousey heart attack.  he was playing and running and digging just like he normally does.  and then all of a sudden he got really quiet so i went over to check on the little guy and he was just laying there, lifeless on his side, eyes wide.  i cried right away, like a knob.  but he was a little living thing, even though he was just a rodent really.  but i even get sad when my flowers flop over, so to have our little rupert - the one who runs and runs and runs on his stupid noisey wheel while we watch movies, and who climbs the cage like a monkey and shits everywhere - just die ten minutes after playing, makes me sad.  clint too i think.  maybe.

i finally ordered my Flores book: "group psychotherapy with addicted populations."  it should be here today or tomorrow.  i'm hoping that i won't completely hate my life when i start reading it, and that instead the book will motivate me for what is to come in school this semester.  however, i feel i will spend the whole time hitting my head against a brick wall.  but if i can read for like 4 hours a day,  i'm hoping i'll make a big enough dent in that thing to aid me through the semester.

i've got to call bev... kailene, call bev!
i've also got a lot of things to get done today before work:  stuff with my tires, stuff with my teeth, and other stuff that occurred to me last night but of course i forget it all right now.  then we are off to buy our little shit wagon that both clint and i want oh-so-badly.  why?  we have our reasons.  i wish i wasn't so poor though.  a month ago when we were going to buy it, i could have.  but not now.  now i've run out of money almost completely, and i have enough trouble buying food let alone pitching in for a car.  but i finally paid clinton back money that i owed him from a few months ago, so i know i'll be able to pay him back for this.

lastly, jenni is coming home this week!!! finally, she has returned!  elyse too!  i can't wait to chat with her about her year long adventures and i'm sooo glad we get to see each other before i move again.  i hope she'll come visit me this semester too, we'd have a blasty-blast.  oh boy, can't wait can't wait.

to all the people who are fighting for the broken

all the people who keep holding on to love

all the people who are reaching for the lonely

keep changing the world

i'm always searching for something but i don't know what.  it's not in the fridge, it's not on tv, it's not on my computer, it's not at the store.  i don't think i'm really missing anything necessarily, so even the lists of "things i need' that i make don't even help that much.  maybe i'm just genuinely confused.  maybe that's what it is.

lovelovelove

"it's okay,"

and it was.

butterfly tummy continues

things felt fabulous this weekend.  i don't mean that everything went smoothly and was perfect and that nothing went wrong; i mean that everything literally felt fabulous.  i had so much fun even just picking my outfits, which is so weird for me because i try my best to fight materialism and consumerism on a daily basis.  however, this weekend was different.  this whole week really.  i'm broke and practically out of a job, school is starting and i'm basically already behind, and i get oddly depressed at odd times... but i still felt oddly good, happy, comfy.  i don't know.  i'm confused a lot.  but feeling... good?

saturday was so good, so was friday.  but saturday i went to the art walk on whyte which i loved.  i love art, especially up-and-coming art, outside art, and sun... all at one time?  just great.  coffee or tea would have made things a bit more storybook, but it was too hot and i preferred water.  that's okay though.  i still really liked my outfit.  ha!

i loved seeing all my family and baby cousins today.  clinton coloured beside me, and last night we played volleyball with them (the cousins) as well.  clinton can have so much fun, even with kids... it's good for me to learn from him.  i have been trying to learn a lot lately and improve, but that is always a struggle for me.  i always feel like i've got 300 things i need to change about myself at one time.  anyways, getting together with my whole family on days like today reminds me that i'm really not so bad the way i am... they all like me (right?), so i must be okay.  also, a lyric from kenny chesney last night really reassured me as well... he said,

"i don't know what i did, to earn a love like this, but baby i must be doing somethin' right"

... i must be.  clinton is a really good person, and everyone always likes him, young and old.  he is funny and nice to everyone, and he's smart and calm and reasonable... he must be a reflection of me in some kind, musn't he be?  if we blend well together, work well together, and things of the sort... doesn't that reflect good qualities in me as well?  i hope.

if heaven wasn't so far away

i'd pack up the bags & go for the day.

and losing them wouldn't be so hard to take

if heaven wasn't so far away

today was supposed to be a good day.  i say that because i've been so bored the last couple of days, but anxious and full of butterflies at the same time.  so i decided that today was going to be a good day, with a good outfit and a good friend and a good cup of tea... even if i couldn't work or volunteer or something.  i did do all those things, which was nice; my outfit was stylish yet effortless, and i love my twelve dollar shoes.  i bought new makeup, which i wore with my outfit, and i headed over to my friends place for some catching up and tea.  both were good.  for the most part.  things soon went sour, and i couldn't wait to get home to get help from clint... sometimes, things in life happen that don't make sense.  in this instance, i need to both swallow my pride and suck it up at the same time, in order to make things "right" again.  i will try, but i'm scared.  

rupert either hates us a lot, or thinks we're his best friends.  he bites us now, but i think that's because uncle jason kept feeding rupert food out of his hand, so now rupert thinks that if he bites he'll get food.  oh well, at least he leaves his can now.  and he likes his slide.  thanks, uncle jason! 

i hope things start to fit into place soon.  i guess i shouldn't word it like that... some things have fallen right where they should have, like being here and finally feeling like i should be.  i've just got butterflies all the time, like i'm excited or anxious or nervous and i don't know why or what for... there's a lot of things i want to do, like go to new coffee shops and walk outside and take pictures and help people, but i can't decide which of those interests is making me feel this way.  it's a good way to feel, but also unsettling.  one thing i'm sure of through all this discomfort... my green tea is the best, with honey, and i'm happy to be painting my nails again.

ps.  tonight, we hung things on the walls.  we put holes in the walls, to hang our keys, our coats, our dreams of sanfransisco, and candles.  holes in the wall are a comittment... and that's just fine. 

there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

link: this place is fucking cursed in it's plague

i'm not ready to go yet, it really hasn't been long enough.  i like sitting here, cleaning here, sleeping here, drinking tea here.  i'm at a dead end job, but i'm making things work.  i like the rain, i like when it's sunny, i like how close everyone is.  i'm trying to find my motivation to be back in school - i'm going i'm going don't worry - i just can't find it yet.  i felt motivated breifly yesterday and a bit this morning.  i looked at some pictures of a trip to new york that a friend of a friend took... they were lovely.  pictures of cities like that really get me excited - the hussle and bussle of such crazy busy places.  i love walking outside, with my backpack full of books, coffee in hand and ideas constantly flowing through my brain of what's to come from all of this. 

dreams seem so far off sometimes.  i find myself constantly asking why... why am i taking this, why am i moving so far away... this coming up year i will move three times.  three times?  talk about life on the road.  but i'll do it.  why?  because i love what i'm doing.  but why do i love what i'm doing?  that i do not know.  i love it because i need to, because i have to, because without it i'm not entirely sure who i am or where i'm going.  i feel that what i'm doing is just me, and i don't know where it'll take me, and i don't even know if i'll be good at it (i want to be great at it) but i know that it's what i have to do... even if it's just right now. 

i find myself looking in other directions lately - children, families, marriage.  it's all well and good, and i'm happy here, like i said, to be home and be in one place with my love.  but, i know that i'm not destined to be a stay at home mom, because i love the world too much.  i want to fill my brain too much, and give information back to whoever will soak it up.  and i think i need school to do that. 

there is good in this world

we fell off the planet, right back to our bed

wow.  what a long 10 days i've had.  also, what a long time it takes to catch up with the world once you've been offline for more than a week.  more people need to go outside.
fallen timber for the long weekend was great, except for one minor glitch on day 3... but that was resolved.  i hung out with some people i never would have thought i would have spent time with.  they weren't so bad, and actually, these people are still funny - even through all the crap we went through about a year or 2 ago.  made some good memories, sitting by the fire, quadding, riding on the back of clint's dirtbike as he cruises and my life flashes before my eyes, hanging out in the sunshine at the river, and fishing.  i just love being outside.

 

clint and i came home on the sunday and neeeeeeeded a day to relax, shower, and SLEEP.  so monday we lazed around a bit before hussling our butts to pack for our next adventure: banff.  what a cute town, and we had a cute time in it... even spoiling ourselves with a $73.00 meal and a hotel that was way over priced for how much it sucked.  but clint and i got through, like always. 

after banff, what a drive we had... to no where.  our plans to camp and camp and keep camping failed - no campsites were available and all the beaches were flooded.  after driving for about 9 or so hours... we called it quits.  we spent more money on gas, and more money on a hotel.  but we got a slight deal on this hotel, and got to enjoy a nice hottub followed by the last two episodes of breaking bad... that show completes our lives.

since our camping plans sucked, we made plans to drive to kelowna and beach it with my family.  but, another situation arose as we had to finally admit how much we suck at life: we drove by like 7 campsites on the way to kelowna.  we were just looking in the wrooong places!  kelowna was a treat... 33 degrees and we melted away.  boy, we love the water!  and a good tan.   i also love my family - great to see them, great for them to meet clint, and great for clint to move the dryer and fix some things that the girls were in desperate need of.  hehehe

and our trip went on and on and on and on!  so did the memories.  we left kelowna, after some personal struggles (L) and headed on our way to rocky mountain house for a family camping weekend with all the alexanders.  it was about a 10 hour drive, soooo needless to say we were pretty slow going and not really welcoming it.  but we got on the way, and of course, things didn't work out as planned - haha but that's okay!  we couldn't make the full 10 hour trip, so we stopped to stay at yet another hotel... or a motel, rather.  the sketchiest motel in all of alberta, i'm pretty sure.  place was renovated, but completely unfinished; there were no bedside tables, the air conditioner wasn\t allocated a spot to be plugged in, there was no outlet in the bathroom, the shower didn't work, and a light kept turning on and off right across from our room all night.  creepy,  i know.  to make things even better, i woke up... after hardly sleeping... around 2 am, only so start my twelve hour food-poisoning-vomitting trek.  oh boy, what a lousy night.  clint even woke up and sat with me all night, ran to the store to get me anything that might heal this disaster, and wrapped me up in a blanket after i threw up and then froze to death.  needless to say, clint is so lovely.  we have this ongoing joke that you can't marry anyone until you've seen them vomitting and shitting at the same time... wedding bells, pursue. 

we left about 9 am, only half hour off schedule (pretty good considering the night we had, including the zero sleep) and we peaced it outta there - i stole the garbage can cause i couldn't contain myself... whateverthefuck was happening to me... and clint gave the key to the room back to an empty counter, because no one was near.  SKETCH. driving to rocky mountain house was hell, because my body was killing me from the inside out.  clint tried to drive more gently. but when you're that sick, everything hurts.  the alexander gathering was great, and i wish i was healthier for it.  everyone was so neat to talk to, and they all seem like they have their own crazy ways of having fun.  i secluded myself to a field alone in clint's camper chair, just me and my garbage can against the world.  i was so sick, so  many times, with nothing but water and gingerale in my system.  watch out alexanders... 

clint and i finally made our way home, after only about 5 hours at the campsite... i couldn't do it anymore and i was tired of puking all day, alone.  my stomach hurt, i was so weak i couldn't even hold myself up anymore, and i was cranky... obviously.  clint really wanted to stay a little longer cause he says i looked healthier... i should have listened to him because this is only an annual family gathering and we don't see these people often apparently.  but i didnt know, and i was tired of being sick, and now we've been home for like 5 hours and i havent physically been sick, but i'm not healthy either.  what is this anyway?

... but hey, now we are home, after countless cities, 3 hotels, 4 different beds, numerous faces, zero cigarettes, and 12 hours of pure sickness.  love, to clint! and love, to our time together!

xoxo

i bought old clothing, beached it, got a tan, ate some icecream, and helped make homemade pizza.  i drank lots of tea, laughed a lot, and enjoyed more days not reading or being in school. haha. my brain is too tired for that stuff right now.  tomorrow i get to see clinton again, as well as be super jam packed for time before heading out camping.  we're completely unprepared, but i think it's going to be awesome.  hot dogs all weekend, beers, good friends, laughs, quads, dirtbikes, fire pits, badminton... we need this. gosh, i love that crowd.  here's to hoping this year doesn't jab us in the back like last year did.  it's okay, clint and i are a team and we'll get through it.

aunti and uncle are great, thanks for the lovely visit as always.  can't wait to be back again.  this is a great place.

today, i went vintage shopping.  seriously, nothing is better than used clothing and used books and old mugs and pictures and things.  they're old and worn but somebody loved these things once and now it's my turn to enjoy them too... i know that sounds cheesey but that's why i love it.  and on a totally educational, nerdy, superhero note... buying used clothing means i'm making a dent in stopping human slavery. yes! what a bonus.

i bought a cool mug today from the dollar store and drank even more tea out of it.  holly painted her tea pot but i decided to just leave mine as it is... old and worn and full of hope.  holly's is all patchy, like one of those blankets gramma's sew together with all old pieces of cloth.  so adorable.

uncle made the best stir fry tonight, and we got to walk around the marina together and chat about a few things.  we also fought our way through a scary storm, and i kept wishing Clint would just be here! haha... but he wasn't... and i lived anyway.  i'll see him soon, and tomorrow i'm going to the beach.  even though things have been so fun on my mini annual getaway, i miss Clint and i wish he was here doing all these things with me.  he's my best friend!  what can i say... and we are also so aware of the fact that soon it will be september and we won't be able to do things together for a long time.  oh boy.  the worst days.

...and say, ‘well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ 

that’s all.

So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry’

to be where you are

Things have been good, except I miss my Clinton already... 3 days until I see him again but I'm sure we'll both live. Feels good to be working again, it's not the most rewarding job in the world but I like where I am now rather than before.  Im drinking warm tea right now, like I've been trying to do more often.  I just ate raspberries because they were only $1.77.  That's like zero money. 

I get weirdly homesick these days.  It's like I leave for five seconds and I miss everything... that has never happened to me before.  But I should live through these 3 days right?  I'm with my family after all.  Nights are always hard, even when I'm beside Clint.  Night is just not my time.  Last night was a blast though, having everyone over for yummy drinks and stupid games and laughs.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to beach it.  One can only hope it'll actually be warm for once.  I wish I could find an engine for the bike but it's more difficult than both Clint and I anticipated.  Barf, I miss him.  I've talked about him like 4 times already.  Time to go.  

“And then some guy wandering as lost as you would all of a sudden be right before your eyes, his face bigger and clearer than you ever saw a man’s face before in your life. Your eyes were working so hard to see in that fog that when something did come in sight every detail was ten times as clear as usual, so clear both of you had to look away. When a man showed up you didn’t want to look at his face and he didn’t want to look at yours, because it’s painful to see somebody so clear that it’s like looking inside him, but then neither did you want to look away and lose him completely. You had a choice: you could either strain and look at things that appeared in front of you in the fog, painful as it might be, or you could relax and lose yourself.”

 

"the man i marry is the one who comforts me the most

when my mother dies"

i thought a lot about mom last night.  i thought about when i went to Artstrek and she dropped me off and i cried and cried because i didn't want her to leave... i used to get such bad homesickness.  i also thought about when i was having a sleepover at my aunti's two hours away, and i got so homesick that mom drove 2 hours to sleep in the same house as me.  i always loved hanging out with my mom, even after the bad and mean things she would do.  i wonder what she would say about my life now, and i wonder what she feels about my Clint.  it probably wouldn't matter i guess, but i wish i knew if she likes him.  he would like her. 

if she was still around, i don't know that i would have ever left.

he's gonna change my name...

Honestly, things have felt really tough lately.  This morning I woke up to not so good news, but thankfully Clint is always around for support... he helps so much, which I appreciate because I have a hard time reaching out and depending on people.  Last night was rough too, but Clint and Barbara and Kirky cheered me up with their company and sushi.  Clint will be home soon and I always get so excited.  It will be hard to be away from him for 8 months again, but like Clint always says, "we are a team" and "we'll get through this together k".  Okay Clint.

Work Friday.  Work Saturday.  I need more money to pay for this house, to pay for my health, and to pay for fun with Clint.  He treats me a lot, and I would like to treat him more.  I need to reach the Boyle Community Center and start doing what I feel it is that I am meant to be doing.  I also need to read... but my brain hurts right now.

Tomorrow should be a good day.

my heart keeps telling me: hold your ground

link: have you ever felt the weight inside you
pulling away inside your skin
& then something had to give

today is not my day. i feel confused a lot and i feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. i wish my body was strong enough to carry it but instead my body is breaking.  im glad i have Clint at home to catch me when i come back tonight.

"Missing someone isn’t about how long it’s been since you have last seen them or the amount of time it has been since you last talked. It’s about that very moment when you are doing something and you wish that they were right there with you"

i thought about mom yesterday, how she used to hang out clothes outside on one of those hanger things with clothes pins.  that was nice.  

 

We need to make books cool again.

If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books...
don't fuck them.

in the grande scheme of things

i've seen gray skies that turned to blue,
and the way you smile when you tell me i'll get through this

sometime's it's okay if the only thing you did today was

breathe...

let all that you do be done with love

I have always written.  Ive had a journal since 2005, and sometimes Im amazed at the things Ive said - about myself, others, and things around me.  But man alive - did it ever help me.  I just recently started a new blog, a personal one - I think that some things really do need to stay personal... for professional reasons ;) but my mind is full and Ive been taught that sometimes it's okay to reach out (Thank you HLSC and Clinton)... thus: Im ready for this blog, & for all of you.
Whoever you are.

send me away with the words of a love song
the sharp knife of a short life
well, ive had just enough time
link: who would've thought that forever could be severed