fuck. it's just time for something new. i can't keep doing this to myself, and people can't keep hearing it. things are better than i make them out to be - they must be. yes, some things are hard, some people are missed, and sometimes i need to cry. but i need to see the good, some how - i don't know how, it's very difficult for me. but i have seen the good before, and i really really miss it. something has to change, some how. i need to try, harder than i've been tying. sometimes i wonder that i secretly like feeling shitty. why would someone ever like that? i have no frackin idea. i think im just so used to it that it feels natural... not thta i actually like it. that makes more sense. but i dont want it to feel natural anymore. i want to feel different. i want to feel better, capable, adequate. i need those things.
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