i'm not ready to go yet, it really hasn't been long enough. i like sitting here, cleaning here, sleeping here, drinking tea here. i'm at a dead end job, but i'm making things work. i like the rain, i like when it's sunny, i like how close everyone is. i'm trying to find my motivation to be back in school - i'm going i'm going don't worry - i just can't find it yet. i felt motivated breifly yesterday and a bit this morning. i looked at some pictures of a trip to new york that a friend of a friend took... they were lovely. pictures of cities like that really get me excited - the hussle and bussle of such crazy busy places. i love walking outside, with my backpack full of books, coffee in hand and ideas constantly flowing through my brain of what's to come from all of this.
dreams seem so far off sometimes. i find myself constantly asking why... why am i taking this, why am i moving so far away... this coming up year i will move three times. three times? talk about life on the road. but i'll do it. why? because i love what i'm doing. but why do i love what i'm doing? that i do not know. i love it because i need to, because i have to, because without it i'm not entirely sure who i am or where i'm going. i feel that what i'm doing is just me, and i don't know where it'll take me, and i don't even know if i'll be good at it (i want to be great at it) but i know that it's what i have to do... even if it's just right now.
i find myself looking in other directions lately - children, families, marriage. it's all well and good, and i'm happy here, like i said, to be home and be in one place with my love. but, i know that i'm not destined to be a stay at home mom, because i love the world too much. i want to fill my brain too much, and give information back to whoever will soak it up. and i think i need school to do that.
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| there is good in this world |
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