Random thoughts poured into eachother.

I am sitting here listening to music I don’t know, which I love.  A part of me loves not knowing and the other part of me goes bat shit crazy.  I am so confused in the world, it is almost permanent this confusion.  Who am I becoming?  What am I doing to become that person?  Is this really what I want?  I don’t know any of those answers. 

I have been going to yoga, trying to find the right class for me.  I think I’ve found the one I like best.  I wish I could go to it more often but once a week is good for now while I get better at time management.

I still need to work but I feel held back because I doubt anyone will hire me for weekends and every second Friday only.  I need to work I need to work I need to work.  I have all this stress but I probably create it for myself, and so I need to un-create it… or find some way out.  So, I’m thinking working might help.  I will be busier which will be challenging but I’ll have money and if I’m lucky I can find a fun, mindless job away from people so I can re-boot.  If only.  Maybe like a pet store?  I don’t know.  This is hard for me. 

I still want to volunteer but is there time?  Where would I volunteer?  I’m told I should volunteer outside of my field of interest.  So what else do I enjoy… painting, animals, babies, gardening.  Can I volunteer with any of those things?  Maybe animals.  I wish I could volunteer in a hospital and take care of little newborn babies… that might not even be a thing, though, only a creepy desire.  It’s too cold for gardening now.  And I can paint at home.  Maybe I should paint.  

I need to define happiness for myself.  I have been doing a lot of reading about happiness.  I am considering that maybe I shouldn’t ask myself “why are you not happy” but rather, “why are you sad?”  Maybe I haven’t focused enough on my sadness – really diving into it, reflecting on it.  Maybe I am taking too many steps forward trying to find my happiness.