well, i have gone back and read all my past entries and although so very much has changed, not much has changed at the same time... i am still lost in my own mind, trying to find something that's missing from somewhere.  however, i also realize that i was a lot more "full" than i thought i was when i was writing about being so empty and lost.

two years ago, i was in the midst of the best program i could ever have taken part in.  HLSC was so very fulfilling, and it pains me to read that i wanted to let it all go because i wanted to be home.  i guess it pains me now because a lot of those moments that i wanted to leave school for are no longer significant to me.  i wrote that at first, school and moving and all the tears and counselling sessions were important because they were solely about me - me, making a decision to do something on my own for my own life no matter the opinions of others or the relationships that might fail.  but, as time went on, i wanted a family and togetherness and i wanted to settle down rather than run... i'm so glad i graduated and i'm so glad i kept pushing, because although i got to settle for a little while, in time i found it was not for me.  rather, maybe i was settling down with the wrong person.  whatever the case, i am so grateful that i took that opportunity to run for two and a half years - run toward my dreams, run toward a life i chose for myself, and run away from people and things that were dragging me down. 

i am back home now which is unsettling sometimes - however my home has changed to a much more positive setting.  in the last two years, i have moved twice with a great friend into a home that is safe and full of laughter and it's dependable and welcoming.  i also graduated college and have been at a job working with people i love as a result of getting the education i did.  working with high risk youth has been such a joy for me, even through being screamed at and having things thrown around me and people being so high that they can barely see me in front of them... it can be a very fulfilling job - youth are awesome!

i also made a heavy decision for myself and my own well being and i left the man i used to praise in such high regard - we grew apart, or rather, i grew away from him and i no longer felt we served each other well.  i could not grow alongside him.  i could no longer see a future as our visions for fulfillment and joy and significance were so different from one another.  he was perfect, and still is i'm sure, but he was not perfect for me anymore.  i hope one day i get to meet the person who will challenge me mentally and emotionally, the person who will be passionate about something wonderful, the person who will enjoy the significant but simple pleasures in life like a hot coffee in the morning outside on the balcony.

i also got my lovely little penny-lou, daschund shi-tzu mixture.  having her little puppy-self has not been easybut she has added life to my life.  that's what's most important.

in the last two years i have also gone on some simple but significant trips - i went to victoria three times; i went on my first hostel excursion to seattle; i visited my best friend julie in toronto as well as my cousin callie.  this year, i would like to add portland and san fransisco to the list of places i have travelled.  i think i will go to portland alone and stay in a b&b and just take it all in.  as for san fransisco, i think my friend amy and i will go together and enjoy some of the classic tourist attractions.  i would very much enjoy that.