link: i lost the ground beneath me
i feel i need to change so much. not that a whole lot is wrong with me, but as my highschool foods teacher used to scream at us (in an ever-so polite way): "the biggest room is the room for improvement." i will never forget. things can't always be perfect all the time, but oh do i wish they could be. i don't know what life will be like in a year from now, but i am trying to only hope for the best; i am trying to only hope.
one month until life gives me a twist once again. i don't know entirely how i feel about it. i know when fall comes, and the leaves turn red and come to the ground, and it's chilly out and i put my scarf on, i will be ready for classes. maybe not willing or able (ha! some HLSC humour...) but ready nonetheless. however, i will miss my love; i will miss his face in the morning and his hugs before our days begin. i will miss coming home to him everyday and sharing in everything that's happened, face to face. i will miss kisses and eating dinner together, walking together, and learning new things side by side. but i am greatful for the phone, and for skype, and for the good ol' fashioned mail box... but somedays, i will just want his face next to mine.
dad and brother are so lovely and it was good to see thenm; i haven't visted with them a whole lot lately and i feel bad. but i have a life here now too... which to choose? i will miss them.
it's hailing and my love is cold and wet. it's my job to feed him and keep him warm for now... so i'm off!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
i've spent my morning curled up in a blanket by a window covered in rain, with a cup of my favourite direct trade coffee, reading this book which i have to read for school. it's the longest book in the whole world with the smallest letters. but i'm only 28 pages in and i've already learned so much... HLSC has that power over me. regardless of how much i've learned, and how much i may really enjoy it, i have less than no chance of finishing the whole thing before classes start, so i've gotta start skim reading soon.
clint and i bought our little shitwagon last night. well, really clint just bought it for now. i can't pay him yet, but i will. it's our car together so i am paying for it too... duhhhhh! it's so cute, but so dirty. who even sells a car like that? really? talk about having no respect for anyone. i would never sell a car in that condition. at least wash a window or two, and also filling up the gas tank so it's not below empty could be a nice start... but hey, it's ours now, and we'll love it more than it seems it has been loved for the passed little bit...
i don't have a whole lot else on my brain today. i work a lot this week which is so good... thank the working gods! i still need to find something to volunteer for... i have some hours, but i don't have the committment that i think bev is looking for. hmm what to do, what to do. with this gigantic book and working it seems i don't really have much time anymore anyways. but i've got to try, i've got to to do something! thankfully i get to help out with callie's Ignite the Road to Justice (hopefully) which will be a fantastic event! whether i get to volunteer for her or not.
also, i need highlighters.
" 'There are stories of people coming to the Buddha, and saying, ‘I am leaving your teaching because you have not told me about whether there is a life after death, or whether there is another world.’ And the Buddha says, ‘Did I ever say that I would give you the answers to these things?’ ‘No, you didn’t.’ ‘Why do you think that I ever said that I would give you the answer to these things? Because these are not the things that you need to know. The thing that you need to know is how to deal with suffering, because at this very moment, what made you ask that question was suffering.’ "
clint and i bought our little shitwagon last night. well, really clint just bought it for now. i can't pay him yet, but i will. it's our car together so i am paying for it too... duhhhhh! it's so cute, but so dirty. who even sells a car like that? really? talk about having no respect for anyone. i would never sell a car in that condition. at least wash a window or two, and also filling up the gas tank so it's not below empty could be a nice start... but hey, it's ours now, and we'll love it more than it seems it has been loved for the passed little bit...
i don't have a whole lot else on my brain today. i work a lot this week which is so good... thank the working gods! i still need to find something to volunteer for... i have some hours, but i don't have the committment that i think bev is looking for. hmm what to do, what to do. with this gigantic book and working it seems i don't really have much time anymore anyways. but i've got to try, i've got to to do something! thankfully i get to help out with callie's Ignite the Road to Justice (hopefully) which will be a fantastic event! whether i get to volunteer for her or not.
also, i need highlighters.
" 'There are stories of people coming to the Buddha, and saying, ‘I am leaving your teaching because you have not told me about whether there is a life after death, or whether there is another world.’ And the Buddha says, ‘Did I ever say that I would give you the answers to these things?’ ‘No, you didn’t.’ ‘Why do you think that I ever said that I would give you the answer to these things? Because these are not the things that you need to know. The thing that you need to know is how to deal with suffering, because at this very moment, what made you ask that question was suffering.’ "
Monday, July 25, 2011
keep changing the world
it's bright and sunny out today, and very warm - i can already tell. i'm drinking coffee though, so maybe that's throwing me off. but mmm mmm mmm, do i love this coffee. i decided that i'm going to try to only ever drink coffee that is fair trade or direct trade. i can't really stop buying clothing, and i can't really stop buying food either, and i don't make enough money to make any promises that i'll always buy expensive clothing (thus no slavory... in theory) or organic food. fair trade coffee is only a small piece of the puzzle, but it's still a piece. i tried this out over the weekend, and so far i've been successful. i'll have to try not to beat myself up too hard when it's exam time at school and i'm dying for a coffee from the caf... might need a little forgiveness, too.
i had a dream i met one of my new roommates. she was the best roommate ever. when we initially met, in my dream of course, she said "there is just one thing about me that you must know: i need to recycle, i love recycling and it's the one thing i'm a stickler about with my roommates." best friends! i was so happy.
last weekened, we were faced with some drama... this person in our lives is badly addicted to crack and who knows if anything else. this person has become frail and weak, and i'm thinking probably taking part in what is known as "coke runs" - i believe that's the name of it; when a person lives in a cycle of "get money for the drug, chase the drug, find the drug, use the drug, come down, get money for the drug etc etc" which takes hours... the using part takes maybe one. thankfully this person should finally be off to rehab as we speak... but sometimes we, the onlookers, become immune to this sort of thing. basically, we'll believe this person is in rehab when we see that this person is in rehab. until then, life continues. but it's hard.
clint and i walked to the movie theatre last night. it was so good to finally just be with him, walking by ourselves and enjoying being outside together. yes yes i know: we live together. and even being alone in the house should saffice, right? not really. it feels like clint and i bond more when we are walking together, holding hands and just watching the road beneath us. we can talk all we want at home, but there's something different about leaving the house and being together. just something. anyways, it was nice. i almost collapsed as usual, which made me grumpy as usual. i'm like an obese person in a skinny person's body. but clint helped, again, as usual. he's special.
i miss rupert. he died and we don't know why; maybe a little mousey heart attack. he was playing and running and digging just like he normally does. and then all of a sudden he got really quiet so i went over to check on the little guy and he was just laying there, lifeless on his side, eyes wide. i cried right away, like a knob. but he was a little living thing, even though he was just a rodent really. but i even get sad when my flowers flop over, so to have our little rupert - the one who runs and runs and runs on his stupid noisey wheel while we watch movies, and who climbs the cage like a monkey and shits everywhere - just die ten minutes after playing, makes me sad. clint too i think. maybe.
i finally ordered my Flores book: "group psychotherapy with addicted populations." it should be here today or tomorrow. i'm hoping that i won't completely hate my life when i start reading it, and that instead the book will motivate me for what is to come in school this semester. however, i feel i will spend the whole time hitting my head against a brick wall. but if i can read for like 4 hours a day, i'm hoping i'll make a big enough dent in that thing to aid me through the semester.
i've got to call bev... kailene, call bev!
i've also got a lot of things to get done today before work: stuff with my tires, stuff with my teeth, and other stuff that occurred to me last night but of course i forget it all right now. then we are off to buy our little shit wagon that both clint and i want oh-so-badly. why? we have our reasons. i wish i wasn't so poor though. a month ago when we were going to buy it, i could have. but not now. now i've run out of money almost completely, and i have enough trouble buying food let alone pitching in for a car. but i finally paid clinton back money that i owed him from a few months ago, so i know i'll be able to pay him back for this.
lastly, jenni is coming home this week!!! finally, she has returned! elyse too! i can't wait to chat with her about her year long adventures and i'm sooo glad we get to see each other before i move again. i hope she'll come visit me this semester too, we'd have a blasty-blast. oh boy, can't wait can't wait.
i had a dream i met one of my new roommates. she was the best roommate ever. when we initially met, in my dream of course, she said "there is just one thing about me that you must know: i need to recycle, i love recycling and it's the one thing i'm a stickler about with my roommates." best friends! i was so happy.
last weekened, we were faced with some drama... this person in our lives is badly addicted to crack and who knows if anything else. this person has become frail and weak, and i'm thinking probably taking part in what is known as "coke runs" - i believe that's the name of it; when a person lives in a cycle of "get money for the drug, chase the drug, find the drug, use the drug, come down, get money for the drug etc etc" which takes hours... the using part takes maybe one. thankfully this person should finally be off to rehab as we speak... but sometimes we, the onlookers, become immune to this sort of thing. basically, we'll believe this person is in rehab when we see that this person is in rehab. until then, life continues. but it's hard.
clint and i walked to the movie theatre last night. it was so good to finally just be with him, walking by ourselves and enjoying being outside together. yes yes i know: we live together. and even being alone in the house should saffice, right? not really. it feels like clint and i bond more when we are walking together, holding hands and just watching the road beneath us. we can talk all we want at home, but there's something different about leaving the house and being together. just something. anyways, it was nice. i almost collapsed as usual, which made me grumpy as usual. i'm like an obese person in a skinny person's body. but clint helped, again, as usual. he's special.
i miss rupert. he died and we don't know why; maybe a little mousey heart attack. he was playing and running and digging just like he normally does. and then all of a sudden he got really quiet so i went over to check on the little guy and he was just laying there, lifeless on his side, eyes wide. i cried right away, like a knob. but he was a little living thing, even though he was just a rodent really. but i even get sad when my flowers flop over, so to have our little rupert - the one who runs and runs and runs on his stupid noisey wheel while we watch movies, and who climbs the cage like a monkey and shits everywhere - just die ten minutes after playing, makes me sad. clint too i think. maybe.
i finally ordered my Flores book: "group psychotherapy with addicted populations." it should be here today or tomorrow. i'm hoping that i won't completely hate my life when i start reading it, and that instead the book will motivate me for what is to come in school this semester. however, i feel i will spend the whole time hitting my head against a brick wall. but if i can read for like 4 hours a day, i'm hoping i'll make a big enough dent in that thing to aid me through the semester.
i've got to call bev... kailene, call bev!
i've also got a lot of things to get done today before work: stuff with my tires, stuff with my teeth, and other stuff that occurred to me last night but of course i forget it all right now. then we are off to buy our little shit wagon that both clint and i want oh-so-badly. why? we have our reasons. i wish i wasn't so poor though. a month ago when we were going to buy it, i could have. but not now. now i've run out of money almost completely, and i have enough trouble buying food let alone pitching in for a car. but i finally paid clinton back money that i owed him from a few months ago, so i know i'll be able to pay him back for this.
lastly, jenni is coming home this week!!! finally, she has returned! elyse too! i can't wait to chat with her about her year long adventures and i'm sooo glad we get to see each other before i move again. i hope she'll come visit me this semester too, we'd have a blasty-blast. oh boy, can't wait can't wait.
to all the people who are fighting for the broken
all the people who keep holding on to love
all the people who are reaching for the lonely
Thursday, July 21, 2011
i'm always searching for something but i don't know what. it's not in the fridge, it's not on tv, it's not on my computer, it's not at the store. i don't think i'm really missing anything necessarily, so even the lists of "things i need' that i make don't even help that much. maybe i'm just genuinely confused. maybe that's what it is.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)